My Two Front Teeth Are Just The Start

Kids have a literal mindedness that is sometimes amusing, other times lethal. I present the two extremes:

My little nephew recently sunk to the bottom of a pool, much to the surprise and alarm of everyone concerned. He swims perfectly well - at swimming lessons – but he wasn’t at swimming lessons so, blub, blub, blub. I hasten to add that he was well supervised and instantly fished out. Amusing.

Pictured here is the literal mindedness that’s going to result in the sinking of a credit rating.

My godson was told by his mother to take some sticky tabs and highlight the pages that contained something he might like for Christmas, to help make mummy’s choices easier.

If you look closely, you can see that some of the tabs are actually two or three deep. Lethal.

Vic Roads Attempts Hypnotist Act

Victoria Roads are playing fast and loose with our minds.

They want you to think that they care for you, but that wording is ambiguous.

Honestly, you’ve never seen so many signs telling you that sleeping behind the wheel is detrimental to your car's panel integrity. Every 800 metres there’s some earnest bit of pleading from the powers-that-be about speeding when you are asleep with an overloaded truck, or something… I dunno, I wasn’t paying that much attention. If it wasn’t for all those micro-sleeps, I would’ve been so tired.

But it’s all lies. As you can see by the sign above, once you’ve read messages that say NAP NOW! Rhythmically, for a few hours, you’re not even going to bother pulling over. You’re just going to do it right there and then.

"And when I click my fingers in three, two, one; you're backwards, on fire in a ditch."

The Cure Is Hairier Than The Disease

The lifting of certain water restrictions lately have revealed the true extent of my laziness.

It became possible again recently to wash your car in Sydney without being thrown into gaol by the water police. Not owning a garden, I’m not entirely aware of what the water restrictions were, or what they have become. It is of only mild interest to me. Sort of like the economy. It’s there, but, well, isn’t there something more interesting to look at?

But I was aware of a whole bunch of cars suddenly looking a lot better than my two roving compost heaps.

In general, I don’t wash cars. I’ll run them through something, or by someone, or park them somewhere and hope to have it stolen so I can get another one if it’s become critical, but I hate washing them. It’s a labour of lost love.

For a while there, I was in good company. We were all driving around in righteously, environmentally sound filthy vee-hickles. The second the restrictions were lifted, though, I noted that I was the only one who continued to carry the empty watering-can of eco-dirtiness.

Sydney turned on one of its typically hysterical weather changes last night, and we went from a calm, hot muggy day to being blasted by an electrical thunderstorm and sheets of water that looked more like a vertical ocean than rain.

I was looking at the rain, thinking about a couple of the more egregious pieces of ibis poo currently on the white car and decided to swing into action (when an ibis empties itself on your wheels, it’s like someone has wrung out a toddler with a bad diet; if they did it from a height, it would dent the panel work).

Grabbing an umbrella and the microfibre eco-glove we use in the bathroom, I ran out to the car and started scrubbing.

Sure, I was standing there in an electrical storm, rubbing a large piece of metal with an entirely synthetic cloth and holding another metal shaft (umbrella) proudly in the air, but ibis poo can drive you to extreme lengths. It kills bats, for god’s sake!

Here’s where I give away a detail of Emergency Contact's appearance and some of our other domestic challenges.

I stood back to admire my sparkling ute, with the sun and the rain all glinting and pelting off it, and it didn’t.

It is now entirely covered in long, red hairs. They really stand out on white paintwork, too.

Dilly Of A Pickle

I'm paralyzed by choice.

Friends of ours detected our dejected air when we answered the ‘News Years Eve activity’ question with a certain amount of, “Oh, I dunno…”, and the implied staring down at our feet as we circled our pointed big toes in the dust with shoulders hunched and glancing shyly, but hopefully, at them. 

They live in Melbourne and I was in the mood for a road trip.

And because they are all class, that’s where we’re going.

I want to take both cars, but I only have one arse and one head.

Here’s the pro and con list that’s getting me -

2001 Falcon Ute: Manual 

PROS: New to me and I lerve driving it. More legroom than the Bismark. Big comfortable sensible seats. Grunt like a pig-farm. Don’t care about stone chips or wear and tear. Know the engine. Grunt. Legroom. Grunt.

CONS: EC can’t drive it (yeah, that is a con… sometimes.) No cruise control. Can’t lock the luggage in the back. Haven’t done a serious speed run in it yet. Brutal, 1 ton suspension that could cripple in a Syd - Melb trip.

2002 Subaru Liberty: Automatic 

PROS: Cruise control (during times of double demerit points, that is sooooo important). Tested on a couple of shorter country trips. Everything locks down. Pretty civilised inside if you are not over 6 foot tall. EC can drive it.

CONS: I am over 6 foot. That four cylinder engine in Sydney traffic is fine but uphill into a breeze at 110? Short wheelbase with sports suspension -  in some ways, it’s no better than the ute. 

Solomon's choice?

Nope. We’re doing it Smokey and the Bandit style. She’ll be running ahead in the cute little Scoobie, and I’m gonna be blasting in behind in the uterus, wailing some inconsequential stuff about numbers and rubberised bath toys into the CB radio.

Yeeeeeehah and Happy New Year!

Fahrenheit 72 Number 16 Is Up

Click Here, if you dare. It's not good.

A Little More Christmas Foot Pudding For You, Pope?

I was willing to leave the whole religion/Christmas thing alone for the moment. 

But, you just can't beat the Catholic Church (see how polite I'm being? I gave them capital letters.) for releasing bags of stupid down your chimney, can you?

In the news today...

Pope Benedict XVI says saving humanity from homosexual or transsexual behaviour is just as important as saving the rainforest from destruction.

... because that whole other thing with the celebecy is working so well for you guys, isn't it?

For fuck sake! 

I meant that.

I'm Renaming Blog. It's Now Blob. In The Christmas Lunch Spirit

Hey, Satan Claws is coming to town.

I've never owned a blob during December, so this is an unbelievable opportunity.

To all of those readers who know me personally... I thank you for reading this rant through the year. I wish you a very happy and safe holiday season.


To all those readers who don't know me personally... well you haven't been reading very long. But I sort of want to thank you differently (from the blobs perspective) 'cause that's an act of trust. The first group have just given in to nagging.

I'd like to tell you all that you've been deemed "Nice" by Santy, but I'm not certain, it is after all, a grey area.

May the new year bring all that you want, and very little of what you actually deserve.

Yours,

Nick

Fahrenheit 72 Episode 15 Is Up

CLICK HERE