Schoolgirl Bitten By Panda

The ABC reports that a Schoolgirl was bitten by a panda today.

How, in the name of all that is right and holy, is that even possible!?

I am here to tell you, as a world reviled expert, that apart from the attack on a denim jacket of a Chinese man ten years ago (footage regularly screened on Australia's Most Violent Home Videos) pandas have been unable to muscle up the energy to even move from their own disappearing bamboo patch, let alone attack a fast moving schoolgirl. Plus, they are vegetarians. The old saying does not go, "Bamboo and spice and all things nice." (They wouldn't know it anyway, it's an English saying. Pandas are notably monolinguistic and too lazy to learn any other languages.)

If this unlikely story does turn out to be true, can you imagine what a hard time that girl is going to have explaining the interesting scar on her arm?

"How'd you get that?"

"A panda bit me."

"That is the silliest thing I have ever heard and I will not be seen with such a pathetic liar. You are fired and I will not marry you now. Give back the car."

Reference and research articles.

I Hear They're Not Even Good Eating

Pand On The Run