Sassy

I watched a documentary on the SAS selection trials on SBS the other night*. It’s called The Search for Warriors and follows the process an already hardened soldier goes through in the hope to join “The Regiment”.  

For those of you not of the military mindset – let’s face it, for the women who read this blob – to say that SAS soldiers are expected to be tough is almost a libellous understatement.

Allow me to illustrate:

In the non-fiction book, subtly entitled Operation Certain Death, two SAS members had to get behind enemy lines to act as reconnaissance for the main assault that was to happen later. Because of an intelligence blunder, they were forced to stay perfectly still for three days, under a small bush, which happened to be on a fire-ant nest. On day four, they had to spring into action and go and kill the baddies with all of their mates as though they were fresh off the farm. They did and reported that it was part of the job. No problem.

As Friedrich Nietzsche not-so-famously said of the SAS, “There’s tough. There’s bloody tough. There’s too tough... and then there’s the Chicken Stranglers”. (He loved a bit of Australian military slang, did Freddy.)

Of all the contestants in the show, I’ve got a soft spot for Candidate 42. Being 35 years old, he is ancient for the selection and he’s a charmless, simultaneous mix of hang-dog and dogged. He had a bit of a setback – breaking his neck running head-first into a ditch while carrying a 30 kilo pack – but he showed a bit of grit and was back the next day when he felt better.

My own internal smartarse commentary was running as I watched (largely in relief that I wasn’t there, doing any of that) and decided it was time for the laziest style of blob - a list.

Sixteen phrases not heard in the SAS selection trials:

1. But it looks like there are bindis in it.
2. I think the daybed would look better next to the chaise.
3. This is heavy.
4. This is smelly.
5. You’re smelly.
6. You’re heavy.
7. Khaki brings out your eyes.
8. Vampires are cool and sexy and so hot right now.
9. You’re not the boss of me.
10. He was mean and he looked at me funny.
11. You can have the business lift-out, I just want the crosswords.
12. I know you are but what am I?
13. I said one sugar.
14. Stop. Collaborate and listen.
15. Do you think having a woman Prime Minister is going to stretch John Clarke’s impersonation range?
16. ... and that’s why you should always wear rubber underwear when approaching an untamed goldfish.

I’ll be tuning in next week:

“Tonight, on The Toughest Loser Killers, will Candidate 153 successfully beat the crocodile to death using its own leg, or will he wimp out again and just head-butt it into a coma? Candidate 12 is told to get over his childish fear of sky diving without a parachute and is asked if he really is made of the right stuff for The Regiment, or just a big girl’s blouse with spikes on it.”

*Coincidentally, SBS is also the acronym for the water version of the SAS. You don’t want to get those two mixed up, though. Trying to watch Anton Penis read the news on the wrong SBS is only going to get you shot in the ASS.