Ducks

After sitting quietly behind the wheel for some hours recently and pondering the nature of things, I have arrived at the following conclusion. Ducks are the funniest birds.

They are funnier than other birds for a number of reasons. They are a very birdy sort of bird. They are an archetype. They play it straight, which makes them excellent for jokes of all sorts.

 “But AGA,” I hear you say, “there are so many other stand-out funny birds. Why ducks?” Well, let’s look at this scientifically. 

Penguins are bunging it on. They are comical but overcook the act - you look at a penguin and you start thinking of little men in tuxedos. There’s also that thing they do with the useless wings, the walk, and all the physical comedy of bouncing off rocks and falling over on the ice. They yell, “look at me”. Overkill.

Pelicans are arguably very funny, with their little, punk back-of-the-heads and serious expression. However they are a caricature, and that’s a distraction in a joke. You are forever expecting something to happen with the beak. The penguin is also a large animal which, unless you are presenting a gag in the vein of elephant jokes, is no good. It’s not typical.

Vultures are not good because there’s no cuteness. A certain amount of likeability is important in your comic bird. Vultures are only liked by Texas Rangers looking for a lost body in the desert.

Chickens are a close contender because there’s something so hopeless about them. Pathos plus bird-feed equals comedy. But chickens don’t fly, don’t have nice round heads and their eyes are a bit psycho. There’s also that creepy weirdness with the combs and fleshy bits above and below the beaks. I also feel that lice are part of the bargain with a chicken. Ducks are clean. Look at the amount of time they spend on the water.

I could invoke a Daffy and Donald versus Foghorn Leghorn logic here, but that’s not really where I’m coming from. I want there to be a purity to this; none of that fictional stuff.

Ducks aren’t all straight-men. They are able to bring an element of the surreal to the party. They quack. That can be funny, and it can have a mysterious quality. One of the great modern myths is that a duck’s quack doesn’t echo. Ducks can also survive being shot with arrows - there are numerous cases on record. They have lived that classic comedy: arrow-through-the-head.

Duck. The word is good to say, which helps. Duck. It’s sharp, it rhymes with things that make it good for punning, and where would you be without the bit on the front of their heads? Whenever a duck walks into a chemist and asks for chap-stick, you know it’s going on his bill.

They must occupy a special place in the hearts of us all. Think about when they are used in language. Water off their backs, taking to things like one of them to water, being lame when your presidency is timing out, and of course, not getting down off an elephant. You get down off a duck.

So there you have it. Ducks win. The mighty duck. I like a good duck.