Scale

Emergency Contact and I live opposite a sports oval. It is very well used.

We were coming home from weekly shopping when a ball rolled onto the road in front of us. I drew the car up sharp. EC's head jerked forward and I felt bad, but what normally follows a soccer ball onto the road... ?

When the inevitable chaser in team-uniform appeared on the road behind the ball, EC said, 

“Jesus! That's a bloody big child!”

I added, “Yup. But normally we just call them men.”

Seoul Survivor

For those of you who haven’t been to South Korea, you will find this blob a penetrating insight into a culture and its people. For those of you who have, you will find it hopelessly half-arsed.

But, you don’t come here for the latest update to Ban Ki-moon from his cultural attaché so let’s do this.

On the map, South Korea looks approximately halfway between Japan and China. When you get there… it feels exactly halfway between Japan and China.

Don’t tell the Koreans. I think I mentioned it once but got away with it.

Japanish

• Bowing
• Seniority
• Politeness
• Yelling as entertainment
• Masochistic challenges on TV
• Tech-fetish
• Efficiency
• The sound of the language
• The look of the people
• Public transport
• White gloves on service personnel
• Twisted sexuality
• Latent gayism
• Order

Chinesish

• Air-quality
• Size of the city
• Rubbish
• That odour that washes over you frequently
• Brand-names
• Murder of English on signs
• Reckless approach to fun
• Reckless approach to crossing roads
• Reckless approach to public health
• Reckless approach to my dinner
• Battery housing for humans
• Money

Halfway betweenish

• Smoking
• Traffic
• Personal safety
• Regard for the government
• Treatment of women
• Pricing of electronic goods
• Food

Seoul is vast. It beggars the mind in exactly the same way the Shanghai does. It’s got half the population, but when you are talking about things of that size you just stop comprehending and sit slack-jawed at how many identical, white, residential tower-blocks there can be in the world.

Anyone a bit sceptical about human impact on the planet should see it. In Australia, we simply do not get to witness what the weight of humanity can really do to a place. We sit on top of Australia like a gnat on a donkey. Koreans sit on South Korea like Nigella Lawson on a race horse. (It’ll probably make it across the line. It'll also probably have to be turned into stew afterward.)

Everyone under the age of 40 has a phone that is halfway in size between an iPhone and an iPad. Also, everyone looks under 40 and there are no iPhones or iPads here. The Samsung rules supreme. Oooooh, Garaxy.

The time of year you choose to visit a place will influence how you feel about it, so keep that in mind. But, it is brain damagingly cold in Seoul at the moment. I can’t imagine living with it. My delicate tropical glands don't know how to cope and I’ve had a persistent nose-bleed for three days. 

Koreans have a deeply civilised streak (and don’t give two hoots for fuel costs it seems) every building is heated to “desiccate”.  I’m either sweating like a sumo in a sauna or crying like a codger in the cold or bleeding from a frozen orifice.

And, do you know, I quite like it here.

Smash That Together, Cupid

There’s a huge circular underground metro type thing here in Seoul. It’s huge. It’s underground. It’s circular. When I mentioned this to Smurfy, he said, “Like a Large Hadron Collider for people”.

We laughed.

But now I’m here, I’ve realised - it is. Where two metro trains collide is where babies come from.

Just Met A Girl Called Korea

First time in Seoul and I’ve seen almost nothing of Korea... so what the hell? Let's make some generalisations.

Incheon international airport is a long way from the city of Seoul. It took hours at a decent speed to get into town after landing. After spending nearly 11 hours on a plane to get to Incheon, you then backtrack under your own flight-path for two hours in a bus to get to your hotel. It’s so far out of town that I wonder what it’s doing, claiming to be Seoul’s international airport. I think it might be more accurate to claim to be Pyongyang’s.

I usually look forward to a decent bus or train trip in a new town. Chance to get a feel for the local traffic, the local architecture and the locals. This bus was so frosted, bespattered and misted up, I saw nothing. We could’ve been driving through the long, dark teatime of the soul for all I knew. Having seen a bit more of Seoul in the daylight the next day, I can say this. It’s a giant Asian city with lots of Dunkin’ Donuts, Papa Pizza , Texas Beer Houses and other traditional South East Asian dining establishments.

Question: Have there been a lot of disastrous fires in South Korea? I ask because my hotel, which is nicely appointed, has a really obvious preoccupation with fires. Everywhere you turn there’s a 3 kilo extinguisher, the doors all open in strange directions (Like, my room door opens outwards. That’s got to be a fire thing, right?) and there’s an inertia-reel harness arrangement, bolted to the floor with a window-smasher sitting next to it, so I can repel down the side of the towering inferno if I feel that I’m going to get done medium-rare using the stairs.

Here’s a business tip; I reckon that new little car maker, Hyundai, is going to do quite well here. I sense that Daiwoo might have managed a toe-hold as well.

Here's a health tip: If you are part of a region where it is an economic beehive and also the place where they will find Patient Zero of the next global pandemic - Cover your damn mouth when you hack up a lung, will you?

And it is cold. It is colder than charity. It’s into the negative C’s and it’s raining. By contrast, the interiors are hot. They are hotter than the lunch I just had.

It’s kind of good, though. I like it here, so far.