Short And Not So Sweet

I think commonly used words are usually pretty short for a reason. Up, down, in, out, give, take, sit, nap, walk, run, eat, drink, here, there, them, us, you, me; and numbers. Nothing there over five letters and not a whole lot of spare syllables. (Why is seven the only number, in the all important one-to-ten, with two syllables? Was it to make that Sesame Street song scan properly? Discuss.)

Primary concerns and basic ideas get the short, easily understood sounds. You could just about survive with only the words above. You won't debate ontology, but you're not going to die.

I think it says bundles about the difficult history of China that the word for 'hungry' in Mandarin is 'E'.

Moving With The In Crowd

I have become part of a greater whole and fulfilled a dream while I was at it.

I have performed an act that has probably been done by more humans in the 20th and 21st centuries than any other (apart from a couple of obvious "natural" ones).

I have ridden a bicycle, wearing a green-grey cap, in China.

It was exhilarating. Like sky-diving, there's a certain amount of letting fate have its hand. Your skill has only a small say in the outcome. But if you become one of the little fishies, the current is quite relaxing.

Socket To Me

I've had the great fortune to have stayed in some truly, and I use the industry parlance here, fuck-off hotels.

Usually I've been with someone who actually deserves to be there and I've just been the wookie. Or, I was paying through the nose because it was the last bed in town and all the taxis were filled with the vomiting masses. Suffice to say - it's not my usual M.O.

But, every now and then, I've been kicking back in the jacuzzi with a glass of bubbly in my hand, using the remote control to pull back the curtains to give the view its best affect, and I've thought to myself, “Yeah, ok, 5 Star. You can feel the difference.”

I remember the first time I saw a pillow menu. I couldn't help myself and rang down for two softs and a hard. Emergency Contact was in a run-of-the-mill Holiday Inn in Cardiff a few weeks ago, and it had a pillow menu. It's like Mercedes first and then the other cars. You see the feature in an S-Class and ten years later it's standard in a Toyota.

Right now we're in a terrific little surreal hotel in Kowloon... and it's tech-conscious. They've got the next thing that you're about to see everywhere.

Power sockets - in the room safe.

While you're out for the day, your lappy and other tempting devices sit securely, charging away, awaiting your return all safe and snug and ready to go. (If you're already seeing this around, I apologise for being a rube. I am very old yet childishly easy to impress - things like this are a bit, “Well, I never.”).

Scenes From The Mall

Friday, 2nd Of October

It's those who ignore the writing on the wall who get ahead in life.

Rain Strain

You often hear that modern motorcycles can be very hard to pick up if you drop them and that they're not good at keeping you dry. You need a car for that.

Here in steamy Hong Kong, I was just about to cross the road when it started to rain. I was in a jam, and beggars can't be choosers. Looking around, I saw a nice looking Honda, so I hoisted it over my head and headed across to the other side.

I can now vouch for the veracity of those two bits of wisdom.

The rain just came through the spokes and the frame and I might as well have not bothered, considering the twinge I felt in my back when I lifted it.

If it's that difficult with a bike, I'm not going to bother trying a car.

Classy Hong Kong

The chicken was only mildly less surprised than the limb donor.

If They Accept My Membership...

I have always thought that the idea of a mile high club was interesting, but not really because of the sex. No, more as a logistical exercise.

Sex is always going to be interesting to me, it's just that there's a time and a place. One of the times that it is not the place, is in an aeroplane toilet. I am challenged even turning around in the tiny space. The idea of turning someone else on and then being able to do something about it - seems ridiculous.

I thought it had to be the purview of the rich and shameless. First class must have the palatial digs to fool around in. This is the secret to justifying the brain-bending prices of the first class ticket. If you fly up the pointy end, the toilets are huge and filled with willing talent.

Well punters, there's somewhere else. On a 747.400, there's one down the back that wraps around the side of the loo next to it. In aeroplane toilet architectural terms, it's freakin' enormous. That's where the plebs are getting it on, I reckon. Not enough room to swing a cat but certainly enough to get a little... oh, I'm sorry. There were so many bad gags around "the rear" of the plane I was trying to avoid. I was inevitably going to fall down somewhere.