I Prefer Turnbull

I’ve just been trying to estimate the chances of me uttering that phrase. There was a period, around the referendum on the republic, where it was possible... but unlikely.

At the moment, though, the chances have increased from ‘a snowflake in the deeper recesses of hell’ to ‘your chances of survival when standing between Joe Hockey and a TV camera’. Slim, but not impossible.

I have had the rare pleasure of telling Tony Abbott that, if he didn’t leave my table, I was going to insert “that” (pointing at chair) into him. I have done my bit. Wherever possible, you must resist as well.

But I want to take the long view on this.

The way the Liberal Party is burning through its ‘talent’, I think it’s probably good timing to have Abbott take a swing at the leadership. It means we wouldn’t have to suffer him leading the country. He’ll be chewed up and spat out before we get to an election he can win.

I just want to remind you what the odious, sanctimonious slime-ball is about, just in case you’ve been thinking of nicer things. Like fatal shark attacks.

If he had the chance, he would tell women what they can do with their bodies. He’s pro-censorship, which means he thinks he can know things that you shouldn’t know. He’s anti-euthanasia because he doesn’t trust us not to off our parents for the money. He would insert his religion into Australian politics and while he’s playing at being such a principled, moral beacon, let’s look at one policy position of his.

In the middle of this year he was pro-emissions trading scheme. Last week he flipped, citing no other reason than the reaction of the business world… because the business world is where we should be taking our guidance from on this issue, for sure.

At least, with Turnbull, you know you’re dealing with a straight up and down, self aggrandising, power-hungry mutt. He doesn't try and dress up what he's about as something honourable.

Designed To Care

As an Australian (or honorary Australian - a title you inherit simply from reading this blob) it is your moral duty to become instantly suspicious of any entity that is becoming too successful or well known. But, I’ve just noticed another bubble come off the top of the think-tank over there at Google Labs and as all powerful as they are, I take my pants off to them.

There’s a gadget you can turn on in Gmail that will not let you use it until you have performed three quick mental arithmetic functions. And the questions vary, so you can’t learn the answers.

That is brilliant.

When they work out how to get a breathalyser onto a mobile phone, it'll kill a lot of next-day comedy, but it will preserve a few jobs.

(You know who you are - sms tragic.)

If You See Pea-Brain Minchin, Send Him To My Place

...along with any other climate change skeptic. I’ll be able to deal with them in a domestic “accident”. That floor is quite dangerous. Someone is liable to slip and hurt themselves on the puddles of sweat that pooled yesterday, and then froze solid today.

Oh, and tell ‘em to bring a saw. We need to get the tree out from where it has inserted itself into our balcony from the crazy winds last night. The cleanup guys will probably bring around a wood-chipper and… well, you’ve seen Fargo.

Kindle - Part 4

I try to keep a sane approach to cleanliness versus neatness. Clean is quite important, neat not so much. The outside of the car closely resembles a potato farm, the inside is fine. I sit in there, so that needs to be clean. I only look at the outside.

The bed is rarely made (why bother? I’m only going to be back in there in a few hours) but the sheets are clean. Same principal. “In” versus “look at”. But I break that rule and become a bit compulsive when it comes to the cleanliness of my display screens.

The TV is clean. The laptop is pristine. The PC screen has been officially disowned as it has a spot on it that I can’t get off. Don’t touch my screen, man. Don’t touch my screen with your grotty, greasy little paws.

So, imagine how ripe for disappointment I am, owning an eBook? By my own admission I am tough on books and once I sneeze, spill wine on, or in some way ruin the glorious expanse of the eBook display screen… well it’s not like I can turn the page and forget about it. It’s always going to be there, taunting me.

So, there’s the first problem with the hardware. You don’t get to move on when you’ve splodged it and I am inevitably going to splodge it. You spend a lot of time with books doing leisure things. Leisure things equals splodging.

Second problem – you can’t confidently take your book into the bath. This I consider a real blindspot in design and they better seriously be working on waterproof Kindle for the 3rd or forth generation. How hard can it be?

And finally, a big one. You can’t lend your book to your partner when you’ve finished. I just finished something that I wanted Emergency Contact to read, and realised I couldn’t lend it to her. How am I going to read my next book, if she’s got my eBook? I know what you’re thinking – get another eBook, but there’s a slippery slope. Next she'll want gifts for birthdays and Christmas and stuff.

Saturday Night Pre-Recorded

Things that I need to get off my chest after watching Martin Plaza and Greedy Smith (from Mental As Anything) guest host Rage.

Everyone’s a winner baby. That’s not a fact. That’s not even possible, Errol.*

Freedom of choice is what we want. Freedom from choice is what we get. And freedom furniture.**

Bowie, you might stumble into town just like a sacred cow, but the dramatic high point of the clip is somewhat reduced by you choosing that moment to raise a Prima juice box to your lips.

It’s grim up north. Doesn’t matter how the Dream Academy paint it.

No, I don’t want to go to Chelsea either. But now that I’m older, I have the courage to say this. Mr Costello, you might be one of the greats, but pulse does not rhyme with else.

Turns out, Greedy Smith’s glasses (in the national health, heavy frame style you associate with the little developmentally delayed kids) are not an affectation. He does appear to suffer from some form of… problem. Martin Plaza had the air of a parent just about to reach the end of his tether.

*Hot Chocolate (Look, I just gotta put this out there. Has anyone ever seen Gordon Robinson from Sesame Street and Errol Brown from Hot Chocolate in the same room at the same time?)

**Devo

My Idea. Part 2.

In My Idea. By A Grey Area. Aged Eleventy Oneteen. I laid out the foolproof method to being a rich, lazy inventor.

But two things needed filling in. The idea and the leak.

Well, here's the leak and the plug (so to speak). I've had the idea and now I have to get it out there. What better way than to tell you guys?

Witness to an invention.

Dear (Concerned Party),

Please receive, witness and archive somewhere safe, an idea I've just had. When the evil forces of international retail conspiracy inevitably 'disappear' me and seek to profit from my work, you will be able to go to the authorities and media, and expose the plot... and I can't remember how to copyright without the use of a self-undressed antelope and registered mail.

(I authorise you to use the above, to write blockbuster film in the vein of Enemy of The State. I should be played by Morgan Freeman or Cate Blanchett)

The idea?

A bed friendly cover for an eBook. (I know! Genius! I can't believe I have so many ideas like this and remain so poor.)

It has a stiff, adjustable "spine" (the bendy bit between the front and back covers). Once opened, either to an obtuse or acute angle it doesn't matter, it stays there with enough friction/force to hold the weight of the eBook.

Why is this useful?

Well, someone is lying in bed. If they open the cover 270 degrees, they can have the eBook resting on it's left side, facing towards them (they are on their left side, so reading down-to-up = left-to-right) the inside of the front cover is now the base, sitting flat on the sheet. When the reader turns over, they will need the book resting on it's right side. The cover holds its angle of openness and rests like a stiff tent.

It also allows you to stand the book upright in front of you.

All of this no hands business is especially important in cold countries where it's nice to keep you hands under the covers for most of the time, rather than holding the book.

I have also come up with a little wire, prop-stick (like what you hold a car bonnet up with) that can be added to existing covers that will make them behave the same as above. They will be available next to paper clips and erasable pens at your local newsagent and will turn me into a millionaire.

So long, suckers! Ahem.

Thanks for listening.

Kindle - Part 3

Ok, so, I’ve spent a bit of time with the Kindle eBook reader thingy, and I have the following observations.

It is an excellent bit of hardware and I actually read faster with it. For those of us with the attention span of a kitten, you may recognise the following scenario when you’re reading.

1. Time to turn over the page
2. Might as well make this time to turn over in bed
3. Notice that the mug on the window sill is making the blind stick out asymmetrically
4. Move mug
5. Holding the mug reminds you that you are thirsty
6. Get up to make tea
7. Get frightened by killer dust-bunny in hallway
8. Go back to bed
9. Pick up book
10. Re-read last page to remind you what had just happened (it’s been a distracting and trying time, after all)
11. Time to turn page
12. Might as well make this time to turn over
13. Notice that Emergency Contact has been very quiet for a while, might want to prod or “help” her with something…
14. Ad absurdum, infinitum, and finally, snorrum

With the electronic reader, there’s no real page turning. Your thumb just rests on the ‘next page’ button and you click when ready. I’ve even got it timed so that the very slight delay that the device exhibits as it retrieves the next page, is dealt with by hitting the button as you get to the last line on the display.

The battery life is not quite what they are promising I suspect. I don’t have a definitive answer on this yet, as you do get much better life out of the thing if you turn the wireless off when you’re not surfing, and I've only just started to do that reliably.

But here’s the kicker. Here’s where it’s all going to come tumbling down.

If they don’t make big headway into improving the library that is available to the owner, they are going to get me shouting in the streets.

I have been keeping a tally of the increase in the library, as reported by the device. You can see that it looks like a pretty good jump each day. (Over there under the search field.)

Yeah, well, with not much evidence other than to say that I’ve seen this on more than one occasion, I don’t think that six different versions of the one book should really count. It’s not like I get the choice between hardback and softback, colour or black and white.

And without wanting to thrust myself too deeply into the maw of the self flagellating beast that is America’s reading habits, is all of that religious content really necessary? And why isn’t it under fiction?

My Idea. By Grey Area. Aged Eleventy Oneteen

I’ve decided that the way to get ahead is to be the world’s laziest inventor.

This is how it will work.

1) Have brilliant idea.

2) Document brilliant idea to prove beyond all doubt ownership and conception date.

3) Sit on it. Don’t do a damn thing with it other than to…

4) Leak it. (Details on how best to leak still a bit hazy.)

5) Allow development, manufacture, distribution and proof of profitability to go ahead.

6) Don’t make a sound

7) When brilliant idea has proven not to be attracting damages claims…

8) Sue for lost earnings and get a little punitive.

You have outlaid nothing. You have risked nothing. You have sweated nothing. It’s all gravy, baby! What’s the worst that can happen? (You know, other than that other guy having thought of it independently and going you for vexatious whatchamacallit.)