Bumper Crop

I don’t do bumper stickers. I can’t think of single subject  I’d talk to a stranger about that could be summed up in one line. Perhaps I should get a bumper sticker made that just says “Pointless Bumper Sticker” to answer some of the stuff I see getting around.

“Magic Happens”.  Remember that one? And the answer is “No, it doesn’t”. Then there was the equally fatuous “The Goddess is Dancing.” I hope she’s making a quid out of it, ‘cause none of her other projects seem to be in evidence. “Practise Random Acts of Kindness and Senseless Beauty.” You would not want to get stuck next to that hippy at a dinner party.

The most pervasive and long lasting sticker has got to be “Baby on Board”. Is this a plea not to run into the car as hard as you would have if the baby wasn’t there? I’ve never understood that one. Many years ago, a mate of mine stole one of his sister’s infant dolls, nailed it unnecessarily brutally to a piece of four by two, and stuck a “Baby on Board” sticker on it. It rode around on the parcel shelf of my V8 Valiant for years and I would get admiring glances from lots of people. I think.

These sort of stickers are annoying because there's either implicit advice on how to behave or there’s an attempt to get me to change my mind. Some self important herbalist thinks they know better than me. Well, I'm not going to change my ways based on the advice I read on the back of a homeopath’s 1978 turd brown Corolla.

There are other pointless varieties of bumper sticker that I would classify as Stating My Position. “I Fish and I Vote.” That’s a full day. Well done. “I Brake For Children/Unicorns/Teddy Bears/Smoko”. Ok, seems a reasonable response - is it something that really needs advertising? “Zero to Bitch in 6 Seconds.” Your mother must be very proud… oh, she’s the one sucking on a Winnie Blue in passenger seat, is she?

This vent comes about because today I tailed one of the most pointless bumper stickers in all of Christendom. It makes “Horn Broken, Watch For Finger” seem profound. It says:

“I Stop At Rail Road Crossings.”

What this person feels very strongly about - strongly enough to go to the shops, get their wallet out, buy a big sticker, clean the back of the car and attach it carefully and straight, is the personal realisation that they are not suicidal.

See, this is where blogs are good. I couldn’t have fitted this entirely pointless rant on a sticker that you could read at three metres.