I had the following conversation with a bloke recently that illustrated to me that SMS abbreviations and acronyms can cause confusion. We had only just met, so were doing the greeting behaviour thing.
I started, “So, how’s it going?”
“Not bad. Started a new job a couple of weeks ago.”
“Don’t envy you there. I prefer to stay quietly incompetent in the one place, rather than spreading it around. Are you enjoying it?”
“I think so, although I didn’t get off to an auspicious start. I had been at a convention, really working the room and making lots of new contacts. I was handing out my business card to anyone who’d take it, and got a really poor response. Like, no-one got back to me. It was only a couple of days ago, when I had my specs on and happened to look at one of my own cards, that I saw my email address was John.Citizen@Business.com.au. They hadn't sent me a proof to look at before I went to the conference. I trusted them and wasn't wearing my glasses during the whole thing.”
Me, drying me eyes, “ Here’s an opportunity to go the deed poll and get that name change you've always wanted.”
Wry grin from fellow, “Yeah, I guess so.”
Me, really warming to subject, despite what others may feel about it (as is my wont). “Hey, you should just take ownership of that email address in the company and use it until the cards run out. It would make a cool murder-mystery-cop-show as well. They wheel your body into the morgue with the John Doe toe-tag on, only to identify you as John Citizen, only to be put right much later when someone comes forward and actually identifies you with your real name and we all live happily ever after, except for you.”
“Yeah, that would be good,” he says, looking about for other company.
Me, still digging around for that rich seam I know is around somewhere, “Did you hear that one about the guy you couldn’t afford a personalised number-plate? He changed his name to JQM 154?”
He stops and just looks at me, thinking it over. No laugh. This was the type of environment where a polite snigger was required at the very least. But this guy - nothing.
It was then that I realised he was trying to work out what JQM 154 stood for. He was looking for another gag. This is what happens when everything has meaning. I had deliberately gone for letters that to me, meant very little, but he still searched around for the acronym or the leet speak. And, to tell that gag without pre-remembering a random series, is harder than you’d think. (You just remember the formula. Guy, personalised plate, can’t afford, random plateish sounding combination. Huge laughs. Thank you and goodnight.)
So, for those of you who are happy with my assertion that everything has meaning, you can leave with my blessing.
For those who don’t believe me, I will give a short demonstration. I can’t cover every eventuality of course, so it’s just a sampler, but this is the type of thing you run into when you try and rip out the above little joke, and are searching around in your head for a suitably meaningless combination.
You need to make it a fairly standard numberplate format for your audience. Where I was, that is three letters followed by three numbers. The state of NSW now has almost limitless combinations, but you go for the classic, historic format.
You can’t start the letter triplet with “A”. The indefinite article sets the listener up to look for “one of something”. It also has that other bunch of meanings around first, primacy, top class, best mark, Alpha etc etc.
You can’t start the triplet with “B”. It sounds like “be” and also any vowel that follows is going to have the audience searching around for the word that they think they’ve just heard.
“C” - See. And the vowel thing again
“D” - this, if they’re anything like me, gets them looking for the acronym that starts with “Department of….” and of course, the vowel thing. Let’s just assume the vowel thing, every time I mention a consonant.
“E” has been hijacked by eMail, E-commerce, electro, and there are any number of TLAs that start with “E” because of the environmental movement.
“F” - is this a rude joke now? Because you’ve just said “eff”, as in “effing shut up”. Don’t forget, the fact that you are obviously telling a joke, means the listener is now slightly prejudiced into looking for the naughty bit.
“G” - Gee.
“H” - This one isn’t particularly difficult, but, if you’re an Aussie, it has the “Her Majesty’s” baggage and it is quite hard to say in a crowded, noisy room, without someone thinking they’ve heard something else.
“I” - no good for obvious reasons. I break for unicorns? I, Claudius? Better than a poke in the eye?
“J”- Usable. Not a commonly used letter in the English language.
“K” - now so commonly used as the abbreviation of the already truncated Ok, that you’re setting the listener up for a fall when they start looking for the mental state of the plate owner. As in, “‘K with the divorce“. Also, The Prime Minister probably has KRUDD tied up.
“L” - If you’re a geek, “L” is going to always stand for Light. It’s not bad, but you do run into the vowel thing again.
“M” - Not a bad one, either. But think about it. If you’re a normal person, you’ve probably started this mental search at “A”. You’re now about halfway through the alphabet. How long are going to make the suckers wait for the punch line?
“N” - National and Neuro. No chance.
“O” - OMG. Oxford. Here’s another one where I fall for a trap. If I start with “O” I’m going to either say OMD and then end up humming Enola Gaye for the rest of the evening, or reflexively go for OED, which leads the audience down the garden path.
“P” - Private. Pee. No vowel is useable. Still, could be worse.
“Q” - As long as you don’t use a vowel or a “T” (so they’re not looking cutie or “on the QT”)
“R” - Pirate number plate.
“S” - The number 2 backwards. Is this a trick number plate?
“T” - Not bad, but don’t forget that the frequency of use of the letter will lead lots of people to search around for personal meaning. Tea? Tee?
“U” - You guessed it.
“V” - Again, not such a bad one, but all dealings with the road and traffic authority will involve an acronym with a “V” in it - it stands for Vehicle.
“W” - particularly to be avoided in conjunction with the previous letter. Also, and this might just be a local phenomenon, the type of tosser who really, actually has a personalised number plate, quite often has them strapped to a BMW. I have seen all sorts of murderisations of those three letters in an attempt to get a plate that advertises something about the car. 8MVV as an example.
“X” - Huge problems waiting here. Extra? Kiss? Marking the spot? Rated.
“Y” - Why indeed.
“Z” - Is this the number 2 masquerading as something else? Is it a backwards 5? What am I looking for here having searched through the Alpha and the Omega? Also, and it pains me to say this, we say zed in this country… but only if we are over a certain age. It can lead to confusion if the audience has been super saturated in American ‘culture’.
So, you’ve made your choice for the first letter. Time to choose a second letter. Nah, I’m not going to do it to you. You get my point.
A few quick words about the numbers.
Three numbers in a row. You can’t start with 1, because that doesn’t sound random and for the joke to work, it really has to be random.
2 is no good because of its use as “To” in common messaging.
3. Not bad. But is that an “E”.
4. For.
5. Is that an “S”?
6. Is there a New Zealand sex joke in here?
7. It’s ok, but for the L337 speakers, it might put them off.
8. Ate. Or, used in the following abbreviated sense. Back of a handyman’s van - M8S R8S.
9. Small gee?
The numbers are a little easier, but don’t forget you could be advertising something unwittingly as well. A lot Sydney FM radio stations ID themselves by their three numbers that represent frequency.
So, you’ve worked your way through the combinations and arrived at your punch line. You are now standing in a deserted room with the sound of one cricket chirping in the background.
(For the record, if someone held a gun to my head and said, give me a number plate that we will attach to your car, it would be 3MT1H2U. I will buy a beer for the first person who works out what that’s all about if I haven't already told you.)
No comments:
Post a Comment