Paul The Octopus

The most eagerly anticipated back story in the sporting world, is of Paul the Octopus, or Paul die Krake as he calls himself in his adopted tongue, German.

Here are the dot points that I think should summerise “The Paul Story.”

- Paul was born in 1975 to lower-middle class octopuses, Brian and Shirley.

- Brian, a frustrated B-grade entertainer, lived a little vicariously through Paul, and wanted him to be a musician.

- Although living off the east coast of Africa, Brian’s love of Scottish music meant that he bought the young Paul bagpipes. (They reminded him of his son.)

- Paul, a loyal and obedient son, practised the bagpipes for many years, secretly despising them but not having the courage to tell his parents.

- Shirley suspected that his hearts weren’t in it, but also wanted to keep the peace. (This hints at some internal tension. Research for the screenplay.)

- While delving into Scottish lore of the pipe, Paul accidentally came across the Scottish Premier League and quickly became a Rangers fan.

- Shirley and Paul started to share a passion for ‘the beautiful game’ (They felt an affinity for all the focus on legs.) When Brian was out, they would watch the Scottish League. Shirley became a Inverness Caledonian Thistle FC follower.

- At his majority, Paul gathered his courage and told his parents that he was moving to Scotland to become a chartered accountant (his grades at the local polytechnic were good.) and to follow his beloved Rangers.

- Brian took it remarkably well. Shirley, sad and happy at the same time for her son, tells him to be good, and write often.

- Paul’s transport is attacked by slavers, Paul is cudgelled and wakes to find that he is in a marine exhibition in Germany.

- His extensive knowledge of European football eventually garners him a worldwide following.

- And the rest, folks, is history.

- Oh, and Paul still sometimes wears a Rangers tea-cosy around the house.

In “researching” this, I found that the German word for hedgehog, is igel. Now, it’s quite easy to soar with the igels when you’re down here with the hedgehogs.