Fallout (Pt 2) - Charity Begins At Home

Dear Diary,

The Spirit Guide (or puppeteer) was super keen to get me out of the house. For a supreme being, he can be quite impatient.

The house, or Vault 101, was where I used to live and for the most part, I liked it. A decorator would’ve needed a nuclear weapon to brighten the place up, but the indiscriminate use of atomic bombs was what put us here to start with, so, mustn’t grumble. The style is what Spirit Guide thinks of as 1950’s Neo-Brutalist. I think 'Dark Brown with Dark Grey Highlights'.

I had a birthday party recently and it was excellent. I got a Pip Boy 3000 which is like a giant digital watch that tells me all about myself and keeps track of everything. I look at it all the time. I also got a gun. This feels transformative and I can say that a couple of giant cockroaches down in the basement sure found it transformative, too. Transformed them into so much perforated meat, is what it did. Liam (Daddy) says I’m a natch.

Butch, the local micro-penis who shouldn’t have even been at my party, wanted one of my cakes and carried on like a right molerat until he got one. Luckily, I’ve got a bit of a salt-tooth and don't care for cakes. Chow down, Butchy-Boy. You’ll get yours, you archetypal bully.

Just as I was about to wrap the day up I was blasted, without any warning, forward in time again and I lost six years. They are taking a lot of time from me, whoever they are but on the upside I have filled out nicely without all the embarrassing conversations and training bras.

I found myself sitting in a lab and Liam Neeson  (or “Dad” as he’s still insisting I think of him. God he’s a dork) was talking to me again. I kind of vagued-off there for a bit. My eye was caught by an enticing little doll on his desk and my palms itched. When I got up to go to my exams, I pinched it and having it seemed to do me some good. I got a nice warm feeling from my Spirit Guide. He likes Bobbleheads too, apparently.

On my way to the Generalized Occupational Aptitude Test (hilariously known as becoming a Goat Whisperer. God my teacher’s a dork) there was a bit of a ‘to do’ in the hallway featuring Butch and his two bumboys. They were giving this girl, Amata, a hard time. Amata’s always trying to be my friend and I don’t hate her, she’s just a bit of a pain. She might be a pain but Butch needs a kick in the cajones and I got a couple of really nice shots in before everybody started running around acting all scared. He’ll get his – Spirit Guide feels certain of this. It’s only a small vault.

Anyway, the test went alright and as my teacher was giving me vocational guidance, I was concentrating on what stuff I could steal from the room. This is becoming a bit of a habit with me. Puberty’s tough enough without being driven to klepto by Spirit Guide. I’m starting to feel like maybe he isn’t such a good and kind being after all, rather an avaricious and immoral one.

I gave Spirit Guide the benefit of the doubt at the time, but not long after we had a bit of an incident that makes me wonder.

I was looking around the vault for more five-finger discounts and Amata was talking at me about this and that, and how Liam Neeson had taken off and the door wasn’t sealed and here, hold this gun for me (God, what  a dork! Who gives away a gun worth that many caps?) and all of a sudden we had a bit of an insect problem. Giant roaches running through the place and all sorts of alarms going off. I felt a little scared, but this is where Spirit Guide really took over and I went a little medieval. I’m going to put it down to how Spirit Guide feels about cockroaches.

So, as I was saying, there were all these roaches running through the place and they sort of nibbled on people a bit and Butch ran up to me and was begging and crying like a little girl to help save his mother. I did the only reasonable thing under the circumstances and quickly put a few shots through his ugly face and went through his clothes for loose change.

Ok, that didn't go so well, but he'd always been too hard to forgive, let alone like.

To make amends, I went to help Butch’s mother. She had a roach in her hair. Spirit Guide hates that. He had it happen to him in the shower once… or was that Goldie Hawn? Anyway, it made him a little crazy, and there was another one slowly crawling towards her. Under the circumstances, I did the only merciful thing and euthanized everything in the room. Then I had a quick look around for things to steal. Dear Diary, you might find that a little inappropriate, but Spirit Guide says I’ll thank him later. Besides, Butch’s mum won’t be needing any of it.

I decided to go and look through the rest of the Vault and see who else needed my help and whatever ‘bargains’ there were that weren’t nailed down.

I think I will overwrite data now.

Yours,

jules (Stupid Guide still hasn't worked out how to capitalise my name)