Open Letter To Toyota

Dear Mr Toyota,


I have enjoyed many of your products for many years and in general find them a byword for reliable motoring, if not actually a life changing experience. But I have to get something off my chest.

You have built into your newer cars warning sounds designed to stop me from killing myself. In fact, you have built in noises that are designed to stop me from even mildly inconveniencing myself and you should not have done this.

Let’s go through three examples:

1)   The beeping that tells me the key is in the ignition and the door is open. 
Yes, I know. I did both those things. Is the warning to stop me from shutting the key in the car? I can’t lock the car without that key, so what’s the point? If it’s to stop me from walking away from an unlocked car with a key in the ignition, well, if I am daft enough to do that a chime is not going to help. I’m guessing the type of person that walks away from a car in that state probably wouldn't have worked out what the noise was about anyway... or even heard it (looking at you, wrinklies). If the answer is to stop yoof easily stealing the car, well the type of people who need to go joy riding are not going to choose a 1.8 litre Corolla to re-enact Ronin. What’s the harm in it, you ask, Mr Toyota? Maybe it will save just one person some embarrassment, you think? It ruins things, Mr T. I have been in the middle of nowhere, I mean somewhere  we've not seen another car for hours, got out to take in the view (or a quick piddle on a tree) and the car stands there in the glorious, empty, vast quietness carrying on like Pac Man. STFU you styooopid little drama queen. Look at the naicha. Look at it. Does it need your input? NO!


2)   The beeping that tells me I have turned the car off with the headlights still on. 
Why can't the car turn them off automatically when the key is pulled? I’ve owned other cars, quite a good deal older, that had no problem with this simple task. The Toyota has sensors and doohickies all over the place that allow it to carry on like a pork chop, why not do something useful with all of that technology?


3)   The beeping that tells me that someone, somewhere, hasn’t got their seatbelt on. 
On the face of it, not so silly. There’s no argument from me about the efficacy of seatbelts. But, I do have a gripe about what the car considers an animate or inanimate object or indeed, what this situation is really about. It gets all Florence Nightmare when I’m trying to take home two bottles of mineral water. Two and a half litres of water is enough to make the seat think there’s an unrestrained child in the front. This sensor needs to be cranked up to not start complaining until there’s about 30 kilos sitting there, and it needs to detect breathing. Anyone who’s putting a person lighter than that or not breathing in the front passenger seat of a car is not operating within the bounds of polite society and a cute little beeping noise is not going to be the thing that makes them straighten up and fly right.

So, Mr Toyota, think about who you have attracted to buy your car. They can afford it. They are conservative and experienced drivers. They are the type of people who have reflexively put on seatbelts and taken out keys for many years. These safety “features” do not help, they are the type of thing that makes them rethink buying the brand next time. These people have enough aggravation in their lives and, to them, peeping machines rank with crying children on international plane flights. They can't do much about it, but they do start to get gun-shy.


However, I’m not here to just whine. I’m here to provide answers.

Right there on the dashboard next to the radio volume dial, put the car volume dial.

If this opens you up to possible liability issues, particularly in America where they sue as a kneejerk overcompensation for stupidity, we can get around that. Make the option a mechanic’s only override that can be done at the shop. We sign a liability waiver and they turn off the sounds.

You see, the final thing I find so annoying about this, Mr Toyota, is that you are currently in the middle of your umpteenth recall for life threatening safety issues in your cars. Get your own house in order before you go shorten my life with all your nagging.

Love from Grey Area.