Prometheus

Imagine a futuristic flying machine constructed by humans landing on an alien world.

The immediate landscape is a large, desolate depression surrounded by geological features that are ill-defined because of their distance although obviously massive. In the middle of the vast depression is a dome. It could be the result of natural processes but it is more likely built and is evidently very old. It is also forbidding.

The occupants of the craft exit and approach the dome. They are nervous and excited. At the end of their epic journey they wonder whether they will meet proto-humans or perhaps sit at the knees of their makers and learn cosmic truths.

As it turns out, a little from column A, a little from column B. But enough of In the Night Garden (ABC2 for Kids) with the naughty Igglepiggle and the sleepy Tombliboos and on to my review of Prometheus.

One of the reasons it has taken me so long to write this review is that I wanted to include spoilers to make my point and you all should have seen it by now.

The other reason is that I only got around to seeing it myself the other night and I’m now going to try and make a habit of only reviewing films I’ve actually watched.

In the classic sense the story of Prometheus is a sad one. He taught little cave peoples lots of nifty tricks, not least of which was fire. He was not lauded by some of his colleagues for his efforts and wound up in really sub-par accommodation chained to a rock with his innards regularly used as a bird-feeder. Unlike the protagonists in the Ridley Scott movie, he meant no harm. These half-baked clowns (who somehow manage to snag a trillion dollars to go chasing an intergalactic pipe-dream) are the equivalent of graffitists in the Louvre.

The film has some serious problems. To borrow from the inimitable Micallef, the plot has more holes than a machine-gunned piece of Swiss cheese with stigmata. I spent a lot of the time thinking, “Why would you do that?” So, let’s get into some of these occurrences. Bitching is fun.

In any film, when the scary music starts and the woman is alone in the house, we are always mystified by her next action which is to go and check the basement with a busted torch. It’s the same with Sci-Fi thrillers. Why, in the name of all that is creepy and crawly, do highly-trained astronauts and scientists feel the need to take their fucking helmets off at the first opportunity? No sooner is the needle on the dial pointing to “Breathable”, than some bone-head is sighing loudly and unclipping the protective covering on his noggin, intimating that it was as comfortable as a sandpaper g-string. It’s the year 2094, people. The helmets are comfortable, lightweight, have all your comms gear in them, are tougher than an end-of-term assignment and, oh, what is it again? Oh yeah - HELP YOU BREATH.  I’d be showering with that sucker on.

As for the really dangerous looking bit of fauna, here’s a tip from Alien Husbandry 101. Don’t tickle it under the chin. This bit of egregious fauna mishandling in the film is particularly galling. Let me set the scene. One of the scientists, a biologist qualified enough to crack a spot on a trillion dollar interstellar voyage, sees a giant penis dentata type thingy and moves towards it for a better look. The earthworm-alien cross-breed reacts by, now pay close attention here, reacts by spreading the cowl behind its head. The highly qualified biologist has never seen a cobra and thinks that bearing your teeth and rearing up to look bigger is the interstellar language for ‘give us a hug’. He gets a hug, alright.

There are many other utterly nonsensical bits in the film. The music is pretty dire at times, too. But it’s still a good flick. There are dramatic and horrible deaths. The tech is gorgeous. The look is wonderful. The 3D doesn’t feel like a waste and Fassbinder is magnificent as the android who wants to shout “no prisoners”.

There are some lovely tie-ins to other Alien films that I found satisfying and the casting of Noomi Rapace was bang on. She actually looks a little Ripley-esque in some scenes and that provides a nice visual continuity to the Alien series.

The biggest mistake the movie makes is that it tries to insert more meaning into its content than it deserves. I don’t need the big questions and answers in an Alien film. I need people yelling, “Oh, well that’s just great, that is,” and, “Get away from her, you bitch!” and of course, “They mostly come out at night. Mostly.”

I need my pants scared off. I need shootin’ and runnin’ and tongues with teeth. I do not need pseudo-philosophy and matters of faith. I’m going to show my hand as an amateur futurologist (a polite term for someone who makes shit up).

The whole premise is flawed. If we have the tech in 2089 to get that far into space, we sure as hell are not going to need to explore the dangerous dome in the middle of nowhere in person. We will send in our robots and tele-presence devices and do it all remotely. As they suggest in Aliens we could just do it all from the safety of orbit, including nuking it. But, I suppose that’s not really going to make an exciting Sci-Fi romp and that’s really what we were all there for in the first place.

I give it 7.5 eggs that you should never look into, out of 10.