23 February 2009

Well Rounded - The Wine, Not The Drinker



Ever since I have been able to say Renee Sonse, I have wanted to be a bit like him.

It hasn’t been easy. The world is a complicated place and you have to know so much stuff before you can really be called Renee Sonse, man.

The proposition that we are all becoming overly specialised in our knowledge and skills, and therefore hopelessly ill-equipped to deal with even the smallest philosophical dilemma, is one that has been hanging around for a while now. The observation is usually delivered by some upper-class twit in search of fame and a chin, and they often conclude with an “…unlike those of us lucky enough to have received a classical education” snorty, braying laugh.

I think I can detect a return to a well-rounded generalism among us, though. There is simply too much to read and get across to be a modern Leonardo, but consider the following:

· We are all amateur dieticians. We’ve never been more aware of what we eat, and know that chocolate and beer sit at the top of the pyramid.

· We are all hip to germ theory. We’ve never known more about diseases of the body, just as a general topic of conversation. Christ, it's the fuckin' weather for some people.

· We’ve never known more about diseases of the mind (everybody knows of someone who’s suffered a mental illness without sending them to Bedlam or trying to exorcise the demons). Still nuts though.

· It appears to me that every parent is a keen amateur psychologist. Every single one of them is aware of the nature/nurture argument. You wouldn’t have found that 100 years ago, nor a three-year-old trying to drive your semi-trailor when you weren't looking.

· It’s highly likely we’ve been more places and seen more stuff than any of our ancestors. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t been overseas. Looking around my workplace, in fact, I can’t see anyone who was born here. An idiot is an idiot, whatever the country of birth.

· We all have to be half good at working a computer. Half.

· A cheap, mass produced car in 2009 has more horsepower than cars that used to win Grand Prix fifty years ago. We are all Fangio.

· We are taught very complicated things at school. Things that kept geniuses like Charles Darwin up at night. Any kid who finishes school in Australia with a decent score and a nice balance of science and humanities is going to be across evolution, germ theory, economic theory, reproductive facts, sexual competition, relativity, the internal combustion engine, plate tectonics, cosmology, literature, trigonometry and meteorology. Absolutely no grammar.

A watershed moment illustrating our actual well-roundedness passed recently and I want to mark its occurrence.

Once upon a time when you were at a restaurant, people with very specialised skills served you. There was a maitre d', a sommelier, a waiter, a bus boy and they were all delivering food made by a team of people whose internal hierarchy defies description. “You! You will only make sauce and you will only make salty sauces… for two years! Sauce only!”

The other night, I went to a restaurant with Emergency Contact, sat down, unscrewed the lid on the bottle of wine and poured it with no problems (See? Mad skills that my forebears did not have - I chose the wine and poured it all on my own).

Not only were the staff completely oblivious to my straying into their areas of expertise, the guy who cooked the food also brought us the food and ran the bill afterward. They didn’t even charge me corkage.

No corkage!

People, this is the dawning of a new era. We are pouring our own wine and not paying for the privilege. We are multi-skilling our way out of the dark ages.

18 February 2009

The Arse Man Cometh


A lot of people are bemoaning the amount of time they have to sit in the car with their teenage offspring at the moment. 

New licensing requirements mean that they are forced to get to know the child, before it gets the “P” license that allows them to kill themselves in private. 

This whole process takes about 427 hours as far as I can tell (period may vary in reality).
 
Let's face it, most parents hate their teenage children. They have that “I love them as a general idea” thing, and trust that the kid will come through the stage… but right now, the kid’s an arsehole.

I am an ideas factory and can help with both these things.

Your teenager wants a driving license so much, they are hormonal for it.The law discourages you from abusing your kids..

I will take your teenager (for an immodest fee) and apply my top two superpowers. 

Driving and abuse. 

Remember; I was a talk-back radio host and cab driver. It’s a home game. 

In this process we get to reduce the number of hours your kid is doing on your Merc or Beemer, and reduce the size of the little shit’s ego.

You can even prepare a bitch-list for of me to work with, or tick some of my pre-prepared topics. I am the fall guy that saves your relationship with your kid, saves its life, and saves your car. 

It’ll cost you, but it’ll be worth it. I’ll even tape it so you can hear the little bastard snivelling. 

My credentials for dealing with your teenager? 

I am currently dealing with GenY a lot, so I’ve got a lot of pent up… stuff. 

16 February 2009

Tragedy Limps In All Guises



After giving money, caring till it hurts, going into compassion fatigue and suffering mourning sickness, I was hit one more time by the unutterable misery of the world.

The good news piece on a commercial TV channel tonight, was of a juvenile elephant that had lost a leg in an accident (skiing or bike riding, I’m not sure, http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/4193798.stm for detail) and getting a prosthetic limb.

Being a little overcome with the goings on in the world right now, I found myself succumbing to the emotion of the situation. I wept.

I mean, they're spending all this money and effort on an elephant's false leg. Some poor family in country Victoria is going without an umbrella-stand right now.


14 February 2009

All The Way To The Bank



Of the many crisies facing us at the moment, one needs to be tackled immediately.

Proper definitions for the dire financial conditions. 

If you're a reporter, how do you keep ramping up the hysteria appropriately when the crises drags on a bit? 

I present the answer below.

  • The Global Financial Trouble Spot
  • The Global Financial Hiccup
  • The Global Financial Incident
  • The Global Financial Event
  • The Global Financial Disciplinary Action
  • The Global Financial Debacle
  • The Global Financial Farce
  • The Global Financial Crisis
  • The Global Financial Meltdown
  • The Global Financial Implosion
  • The Global Financial Cataclysm
  • The Global Financial Catastrophe
  • The Global Financial Cluster Fuck
  • The Global Financial Credit Crunch
  • The Global Financial Armageddon
  • The Global Financial Heat Death
  • The Global Financial Oblivion
  • Depression

10 February 2009

It's Still Too Hot Down South



The fires are bad. 

In normal conversation, nothing is said about them.

They’re that bad. 

Nothing.

Superlatives aren’t up to it.




08 February 2009

Boy Who Looks Like A Thumb Raises The Big Questions

The Boy Who Looks Like A Thumb

Nothing’s changed. The balance remains the same. We don’t know any more now than we did then.

I was watching a presentation made by Americans for Americans in education, imploring them to wake up. It was full of hurt wonder at how the rest of the world, without US permission, had kept on going about its business.

It quoted birth-rate figures in the US compared to India and China. It said things like “China will be the number one English speaking country by 2015” and “There are more Indian honours students than there are American students” and “The top five most employing type of jobs in ten years time, haven’t been invented yet.” The video is called Did You Know? and for anyone living outside the US borders, the answer is pretty much “Yes we did.”

It includes some spurious claims along the lines of "A PC costing only $1,000 will have more computing power than all of humanity combined” and all that other immeasurable (and quite frankly, pointless to try and measure) stuff that you expect from someone trying to put together a techno-propaganda piece.

But there was one thing that I wanted to focus on and it comes back to thumb-boy… eventually.

The Did You Know? video quotes a statistic that is quite measurable and one that I won’t argue with. It tells us there were about 700 Billion Google queries last year. Then it asks, “where did those questions go before the existence of Google?”

I was thinking about this, and with no proof or evidence other than the picture up the top there, I will pose the following theory.

Most of those questions wouldn’t need answering if the internet wasn’t there.

When we used to debate about facts and figures, or have lapses of memory that needed jogging, we’d go to our reference books. I used to collect them. I have a proud assortment of encyclopaedias, thesauruses, dictionaries, books of quotes, biographies, art catalogues, atlases and books of lists and comparisons. In other words; I’m pretty sure the big important questions were not going unanswered. I’m pretty sure that most of the net querying is self-referential. We’re looking for answers about other things on the net.

The net also raises as many questions about extrinsic things as it answers about intrinsic things. By the same viral process that ensures everyone in the world now knows what a kid looks like when he thinks he is alone with a video camera, a golf-ball retriever and a love of Star Wars, I received the above photo four times in one day. Not only is it amusing, and then after a while a little scary, it raises a question that didn’t need to get asked, but once out there cannot be unasked.

Where are his ears?


05 February 2009

The Last Laffer

 
In an indication of just how screwed the world is and just how little we can trust economists to help unscrew it; An ABC Radio current affairs economic reporter used a large chunk of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off as reference material this week.
 
Apparently, some economists are suggesting that we go back to Laffer Curve thinking. This very broadly states that an increase in taxation rates does not necessarily mean an increase in tax revenue. The higher the tax, the less incentive there is to work hard and more incentive to dodge.
 
On the other side of the curve, it is theorised that when you lower taxes, you increase tax revenue by making it more attractive for lots of people to work hard and pay all their taxes.
 
It is not a widely respected theory, I gather. It was put into practice during the Reagan years and had pretty disastrous results. It is also the progenitor of the phrase, “voodoo economics”.
 
Knowing that it gave rise to the phrase, was a enough for the deep-probing investigative hacks at Aunty to whip out,
 
“… anyone?…anyone? Something d-o-o economics… voodoo economics.”
 
The ABC of course whimped out towards the end. They didn't sign off with,
 
“You guys don’t have nothin’ to worry about. I’m a professional.”


03 February 2009

It's Been Hot Down South

I don't normally use other people's photos unless I can credit the source, but this is such genuine cuteness I have to make an exception. It also got reported in The Mercury. The text that came with the photos follows:

"In Victoria the temperature has been above 44 degrees all week
and they are forecasting another week of 40+ temperatures.  Power is
failing, trains have stopped running because tracks are buckling under
the heat .  It's just scorching.

It seems that the people are not the only ones suffering.

Check out these photos of a little Koala which just walked  onto  a
back porch looking for a bit of heat relief. The woman filled up a bucket
for it, and this is what happened!"