Make Us Proud

China. Gymnastics. The Beam.

FRA: 1.9 USA: 2.1 ITA: 1.8 AUS: 3.1 CHN: 9.8 ENG: 2.0 GER: 2.4 TAI: 5.3 TWN: 6.1

 

Panda Infiltration Technique #17

Do not be fooled. Disguised as everyday black and white objects, pandas will try and infiltrate your home and places of business.

Here, a rare photo from a secret panda training camp shows a young operative mastering the bathroom camouflage technique known as, "Only Us Towels in Here, Lady."

Belfast 2009

I note with... with... I dunno; other than tell you what I have seen.

The Sun Herald reports that the World Dwarf Games start in July this year.

Some of the events include

Track:- The 10 metre. The 20 metre. And the incredibly grueling 4 X 60 metre relay.

Swimming:- The width of the pool.

Field:- Discus. Javelin. Frisbee. And Tennis Ball Throw.

Hot Cross Pug

Ahem. Ok. In three, two, one. 

Thanks Stan, I'm here in the produce hall at the Easter Show, where the judging has just... oh good Christ! Why do I bother?

I'm so lonely.

(The next guy who makes a horn joke is gettin' one in the goolies.)

Back to you, Stan.

One Year In And Still Bitching

Wun Year Auld Blog. I Haz One!

Yup, the blob turns one today. Happy Birthday blob!

Hard to believe that this time, one year and one day ago, I didn’t have a hobby. Oh, I had pastimes, distractions, work-life balance, all that. But something was missing. Something that would take a good deal of waking attention. Something that I could really worry away at like a well-formed scab. Something that was free. (I mean, how lucky am I that I actually enjoy this and Google provide it for nothing?)

I like to think I’ve achieved a lot in that year‘s worth of blobbing, too. I also like to think that I am the correct weight, am devilishly charming and in no way contributing to global warming.

So, let’s have a quick wander down memory lane and see how this blob has made the world a better place.

You are now aware of how NASA thought it could fake a Mars landing.

You are now aware of how the church fakes the existence of god.

You are now aware of how pandas are faking their own innocence and uselessness and are really on a path to world domination.

Cane Toad control is back on the national agenda.

You are now aware of my untrammelled talent as an insomniac, OCDish, ADHDish poet about town (now that’s worth the price of admission alone. Shut up).

Some of the serial point-missers that live among us have been exposed.

Emergency Contact has had some good practise at saying, “No, that just doesn’t work.”

A detective agency has come into being and the case remains, as yet, unsolved. (Honestly though, that’s kicking my arse a little. Bird Flew Press are not paying up until I find Fruitnose.)

And that’s just to name a few of my incredibly well thought out and highly researched points of view and “ideas”.

So, patient readers, I hope that in among the atrocious spelling (nope, still not getting any better. It seems to be terminal) and the challenging grammar, you’ve had a bit of fun along the way. Yeah?

Onwards and upwards.

Yours,

Nick (Grey Area)

Hot Punk Bun

(Sing it to the tune of Anarchy in the UK by the Pistols. It's more fun that way)

Anarchy in the Bakerayyyyy
It's coming this Easter, maybayyyy
Give the wrong time stop a crucifyin'
Your future dream
Is a bun with cream!

'Cause I wanna beeeee....

The Squids Are Awrigh'

Caution: This is written with right-hand-drive bias. If you are a reader from a country that drives incorrectly, please follow the instructions below.

1. Press [ctrl + f] on your keyboard. The “Find and Replace” window will be displayed (unless you’re on Mac. Find your own way.)
   
2. Click the “Replace” tab.
   
3. In the field Find What: type “left” (not “self esteem” or “glory days”).
   
4. In the field Replace With: type “right” (rather than “security” or “respect”). 
   
5. Repeat process for right and left.
   

I’ve been seeing trusting yupster-types on underpowered scooters lately. 

I ask; why would you venture out in Sydney traffic with so little going for you? You’ve got no protection, no carry space, no roof and let’s cut to the heart of the matter, you are on a motorcycle with no power and therefore, no cool.

 

There’s a name for them too, apparently, Squids. Maybe some clever contraction of “kids on scooters” or the like. I dunno.

I usually leave the lights quickly when I’m in the left lane. Sooner or later there will be a parked car. If you drive the right sort of vee-hickle, it’s easier being first out of the blocks and choosing when you’re going to change to the right lane rather than hoping for a gap and trying to fit in somewhere further back in the queue. 

And let's face it, the right lane doesn’t want you there. You’ve nicked their place. If they see you miles ahead and having nothing to do with their spot in the traffic jam, it doesn’t affect them. If you bully your way in front of them because you misjudged a launch at the lights, you’ve just done something rude… and impotent. If you make the pushee miss a set of lights because of this - road rage should rightfully ensue.

 

My driving habits are honed (Tainted? Formed? Accreted?) from years of driving public transport in this city and I tend to drive… uhm… efficiently.

Taking my usual course up the inside recently, a straight backed man in a light-cotton suit and chinless helmet decided turning right in front of me as the lights went green was a good idea. If he’d been on a real bike, it would have been no contest. He would have been across the intersection and halfway to the horizon before I could get the clutch fully engaged - and I wouldn’t even mention it. But he wasn’t. 

He was a Squid. 

Gooby and I have decided it’s the sound they make when you hit one and it gets caught up in your driveshaft.

Wouldn't Want To Meet a Meat Ant

I have attempted to make the world a slightly safer place by warning you of some of the less obvious dangers out there. (Kyle Sandilands, juggling crystal balls and ibis poo, to name a few.)

I need to add a new menace to the list; and if he keeps going the way he is, he’s going to knock pandas off the top of world’s most useless, yet dangerous animals list.

I give you: Professor Rick Shine.

We have come across this joker before when I mentioned his fine work in Citizen Cane Toad. He’s back and I think I need to institute a new “watch” to keep us up to date with what the half-wit is hatching. I think I will call it the ‘Rick and Shinola Report’

In his previous escapades, he suggested releasing sterilised ‘teacher’ toads into the wild. They were going to make the animals that ate them sick, rather than dead. This would teach them not to do it again.

Well, Ricky “the Fifth Horseman” Shine has changed his tack and has made a splash in the media this week with his next answer to the cane toad problem.

Meat Ants.

Let’s mine a little Shine gold here. My help is in parenthesise.

He described them on the ABC recently as:

“… quite large ants, up to about a centimetre long.” (WTF!)

”They don't have a sting like the bull ants, but they've got a very powerful set of jaws.” (as in, “You're going to need a bigger boat.”)

”They're probably the kind of ant that causes problems if you leave your bit of chicken on the ground during the picnic.” (By sneaking up behind you, pistol whipping you and stealing it.)

Shine wants to encourage the ants to forage into areas they aren’t currently in, to help control the toad population. Yet again, we at the Grey Area Institute of Fuzzy Things and Monumental Balls-Ups need to remind you of the dangers of the “She swallowed a fly” method of fauna control.

If nothing else, isn’t the name a warning? Meat Ants. For god sake Rick, children are made of meat! Have some sense, man.