02 April 2009
Wouldn't Want To Meet a Meat Ant
I have attempted to make the world a slightly safer place by warning you of some of the less obvious dangers out there. (Kyle Sandilands, juggling crystal balls and ibis poo, to name a few.)
I need to add a new menace to the list; and if he keeps going the way he is, he’s going to knock pandas off the top of world’s most useless, yet dangerous animals list.
I give you: Professor Rick Shine.
We have come across this joker before when I mentioned his fine work in Citizen Cane Toad. He’s back and I think I need to institute a new “watch” to keep us up to date with what the half-wit is hatching. I think I will call it the ‘Rick and Shinola Report’
In his previous escapades, he suggested releasing sterilised ‘teacher’ toads into the wild. They were going to make the animals that ate them sick, rather than dead. This would teach them not to do it again.
Well, Ricky “the Fifth Horseman” Shine has changed his tack and has made a splash in the media this week with his next answer to the cane toad problem.
Meat Ants.
Let’s mine a little Shine gold here. My help is in parenthesise.
He described them on the ABC recently as:
“… quite large ants, up to about a centimetre long.” (WTF!)
”They don't have a sting like the bull ants, but they've got a very powerful set of jaws.” (as in, “You're going to need a bigger boat.”)
”They're probably the kind of ant that causes problems if you leave your bit of chicken on the ground during the picnic.” (By sneaking up behind you, pistol whipping you and stealing it.)
Shine wants to encourage the ants to forage into areas they aren’t currently in, to help control the toad population. Yet again, we at the Grey Area Institute of Fuzzy Things and Monumental Balls-Ups need to remind you of the dangers of the “She swallowed a fly” method of fauna control.
If nothing else, isn’t the name a warning? Meat Ants. For god sake Rick, children are made of meat! Have some sense, man.
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Your going to need a bigger boat does not make sense.
ReplyDeleteAt all.
See now, I think it does because it's from the movie Jaws and I'm not going to limit my loosely connected quotes by worrying about whether ants can swim or whether sharks will sneak off with your picnic.
ReplyDelete"Y'all know me. Know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this frog for you, but it ain't gonna be easy. Bad frog. Not like going down the pond chasin' bluegills and tommycods. This frog, swallow you whole. Little shakin', little tenderizin', an' down you go. And we gotta do it quick, that'll bring back your tourists, put all your businesses on a payin' basis. But it's not gonna be pleasant. I value my neck a lot more than three thousand bucks Grey Area. I'll find 'em for three, but I'll catch 'em, and kill 'em, for ten. But you've gotta make up your minds. If you want to stay alive, then ante up. If you want to play it cheap, be on welfare the whole winter. I don't want no sterilised teacher frogs, I don't want no ants, there's just too many evolutionary biologists on this island. Ten thousand dollars for me by myself. For that you get the head, the webbed feet, the whole damn thing."
ReplyDelete... and that, dear friends, is why I keep the company that I do.
ReplyDeleteAhhhhh. It just dawned on me. I made a grammatical error in "Your" and I think that was what I was being picked up for by Anon. But I suspect it was for point of relevance as well. But seriously folks - if you're (your) reading AGA with an eye for correct English usage, you're barking up the wrong alley.
ReplyDelete