Ute Racing - The Next Step

As we all know, ute racing is the greatest thing to happen to Australian motorsport since that kangaroo bounced across the track at Bathurst and got reduced its composite atoms. Anyone who disagrees with me is wrong and I can back it up with a subtle blend rhetoric and violence. But the organisers of ute racing have not quite thought it through.

In case you didn’t know, ute racing is so good because the guys drive like they stole the vehicle. I have never seen such insouciant disregard for the laws of physics or personal safety. The weight distribution means they’ve got an insane amount of power over a set of wheels that are barely attached to anything. It must be like driving a sperm. I can only assume the drivers are confident they can nick another ute in time for the next race, because the one they’re in isn’t going to make it.

But, why not go all the way? When they prang, I wanna see tools and cement flying out the back. I wanna see guys in hi-viz vests getting pinned by ladders that come spearing off the rooves into the car in front. I wanna see arguments for whose got the job, when two towies arrive at a crash site at the same time.

Oh I Want A Home, Where The Buffalo Are Hunted Down By Apex Predators

The story out of Zanesville, Ohio this week of the animals leaving the zoo and then getting shot en masse by law enforcement has been interesting to me. Not just because I love, “Elephant on the loose, police have released a description” type stories, but also because it has been so instructive about the locals.

First of all, there was a notably nutty gun owner, who had just done time for naughtiness, who had hundreds of animals on his property. And not just puppies and kittens. As of writing the count was 49 animals shot including lions, tigers and bears (it’s frightening and the local sheriff cares, cha cha cha).

The animals getting out has been described as an escape. I don’t think that’s fair. The guy opened the cages. That’s not escaping, that’s accepting an invitation.

Watching Sheriff Matthew Lutz (Donut scoffing local cop from Central Casting) being backed up by Terence Stamp pretending to be a local Emeritus Zoo Official (have a look and see if I’m wrong) I was struck by how much faux sadness there was at having to shoot the animals. I swear those boys have never had so much fun in their lives. They went on a big game safari hunt and didn’t have to spring for an airfare. They’ll be hailed as the good guys at the end of it, as well. What’s the bet there’ll be a few more exotic rugs in front of fireplaces in Zanesville homes soon?

“Wow Grandad Mat, that sure is a fine looking lion rug. Did you hunt that? Was it scary? Is it hot in Africa”

“Sure did son. It was a bit scary, but not hot. I bagged that bad-boy down on Fifteenth and Main.”

Terence Stamp said something illuminating about local attitudes, too, “It’s like Noah’s Ark wrecking right here in Zanesville Ohio.”

Ahuh. That’s an ex-director of a zoo. Someone who you’d hope would have a bit of a grasp of zoology, biology and maybe even evolution. Noah’s ark, hey?

Anyway, also as of writing, there were two monkeys still on the loose. I like to think they’ve gone into hiding in a vacant house and are really making themselves at home. Going through the fridge, watching telly.

Cut to the bathroom. Two chimps are in the bath:

Chimp 1: Oo oo, ah, ah, ah, aaahhhh.

Chimp 2: Well run some more cold water.

Chopper Squad

Talking to a tired mother, KK, this morning, I learnt one of those parental tricks that quite amuse me.

She’d had a “Tooth-fairy Incident”. Her kid had woken up in the middle of the night and found that the fairy had not yet delivered. He’d gone into KK’s room to complain and was guided back to bed. Seeing that she was in for a long night of waiting for him to get back to sleep before she could pull the tooth-money-switcheroo, KK said,

“Your room’s quite messy, I’m going to take the tooth out to the kitchen so the tooth fairy doesn’t fall and twist an ankle. You can go and look for your money in the morning.”

“Nice work, KK,” I said, admiring the elegance of the deception. It also threw in an implicit criticism of the child’s housekeeping.

“So, I was able to get it done instantly, get back to bed, and he got his three dollars, ‘cause the tooth was in good shape.”

“Well, all’s well that… wait. There’s a price differential based on the condition of the chopper?”

“Yeah!  Ones that can be ‘re-used’ get a better price. Makes ‘em clean their teeth.”

The logic is irrefutable, but the bit that confirms for me that kids are idiots, is the re-use clause.  

The iQuit

Scene: Obscenely lavish private hospital room. Steve Jobs lies, almost in state, among life support  machinery. A private aide enters.

Steve: Is it done?

Aide: Well sort of…

Steve: Whaddya mean “sort of”?

Aide: Well, we released something.

Steve: Something doesn’t sound like what I was expecting. I’ve been hanging on for the iPhone 5. Where’s the iPhone 5?

Aide: It’s still on the backburner. We want to release something that actually makes and takes phone calls. We’ve released the iPhone 4S.

Steve: Ah, that fuckin’ does it!

Steve tears the drips and support gear out of his nose and arm. The beeping turns to a unbroken tone.

End scene.