With Great Power, Comes Great Responsibility

With all of the modesty I can summon in my giant, pretty brain, I am going to let you in on something.

I have certain talents and abilities that, when viewed by normal mortals, border on the superhuman.

For instance, I can identify with 100% accuracy if a breast has been augmented without the need for manhandling. I can throw a clean, unused tissue across a room using nothing more than force of personality and technique. And, I wake up looking exactly as I will look all day - I go from unconscious to work-ready in slightly under 8 seconds. (You will never get that rollercoaster ride of seeing me ‘unready for the outside world’. I just look bog-ordinary all the time.)

But there are no free rides in this universe. No free lunches. Thermodynamics is gonna getcha. Karma wants its cut. Dues must be paid. Eternal balances must be maintained. The aging portrait in my attic is falling out of its frame.

I have a flaw that is worsening.

I am now completely out of control with where I may absentmindedly secret a remote control. (I once searched a house for over half an hour for a credit card sized uni-remote that was stuck to my back in the summer heat, so when I say things have worsened…) At the same time I have managed to eradicate the part of my brain that looks after the object permanence of black, plastic objects.

When I get up from the seat, I take the remote with me because; ‘I’m just gonna be a second’. It is then placed cunningly anywhere between 70 centimetres (where my hand can naturally fall to) to 225 centimetres (where I can reach without trying) off the ground. Anywhere.

The trap has worsened. Today I caught myself in a loop that Isaac Asimov would have been proud to put in a ‘Robot’ book.

1. Sat down. Picked up 1 of the 2 required remotes.
2. Swore.
3. Got up carrying remote to look for other remote.
4. Found original missing remote in colander over microwave.
5. Sat down. In possession of 1 of the 2 required remotes.
6. Swore.
7. Got up carrying remote to look for other remote.
8. Continue ad infinitum and absurdum.