I was talking to David Attenborough the other day and, recognising as he does the importance of my work in the field, he was asking how my campaign against pandas was going.
I admitted that I was fighting an uphill battle. Ewster, one of my senior panda field researchers, had sent me an update. Even I had to concede that there was some top-notch comedy gear coming from the black and white boof-heads.
I give you this years almost certain winner of ‘Best News Article’ (unless ‘Kyle Sandilands Caught in Orang-utan Love Triangle’ happens to get written between now and December 31).
There is so much good material in the article that I actually blacked out for a little while, having been overwhelmed by a complex set of emotions, starting with what the Germans call wozumteufelsollichanfangen (loosely translated to “where the hell do I start!?”) right up to the bitter disappointment that comes with the knowledge that your career as a world reviled naturalist might have reached its natural apotheosis and now follows the inevitable slide into mediocrity.
I won’t over-sell the article too much more, other than to say that once you have read the line, “Gu Gu first made news in 2007 when he bit a drunken tourist who jumped into his pen and tried to hug him. The tourist retaliated by biting the panda in the back.” You know it’s pretty much all downhill from there.
Perhaps it is with simple verse that I can best express my thoughts on this complex, baffling and slightly inbred animal.
No one can
Maul a man
The way
A panda can
P.S. David Attenborough runs the bowling club the next train station up the line.
The "Panda bites tourist...etc page was unavailable. Thats the downside to reading blobs 20 months after they're written, as opposed to getting an X-box 360 in 2010. Why? There are so many cheap second hand games that are still cutting edge, almost.
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