Ill Wind

There are almost no circumstances in which torture or execution of people can be justified. There are extreme conditions that ethics think-tanks will posit to exercise the minds of its members. Like the fate of millions relying on the information supplied unwillingly by the terrorist with the nuclear weapon codes, that sort of thing.

But right here I can supply the evidence to justify such a need in a far simpler circumstance. I’m (only just) being silly about it.

I can’t remember when I saw my first leaf-blower, it was either while I was actually in America or I was watching an American show, but I do remember it as somewhat of an epiphany. I thought to myself, “That epitomises the ridiculous waste and stupidity of a society that has totally lost touch with reality. Who wakes up in the morning and says to themselves, ‘I’ve got it, rakes aren’t good enough, they don’t make enough noise!’” That smugness lasted until they became popular in Australia, which wasn’t long at all.

Once, as a bus driver, I rounded a sharp corner a bit on the quickish side in a small leafy suburban backstreet and narrowly avoided running down three old ladies standing on the drive of their retirement home. (It’s complicated, just trust me on the fact that it wasn’t entirely my fault.) To avoid running them down and getting an enormously high score in the BDFSS (Bus Driver Fatality Scoring System - triple points awarded in this case) I jagged across the road and then nearly ran down a guy using a leaf blower.

Now, in any sane court of law in this country, running down someone using a leaf blower should not only not get you convicted of anything, you should be awarded the keys to the city and a ticker-tape parade. However, my circumstances were mitigated by the fact that the user of the leaf-blower had Down’s Syndrome, which takes my score way out the other side into the highly respected double-triple-bonus category. When you score one of those in the BDFSS you get to take the rest of your driving career off.

So I have a complicated and unfriendly relationship with leaf-blowers and, come to think of it, I don’t know anyone who owns one, thinks it’s a good idea to use one, or admires them. I just don’t understand it one bit. They are noisy and I often see them used by people in a high wind, adding to the utter pointlessness of it all.

So when we find the inventor of the leaf blower, his death should be made relatively quick and painless. However, no contravention of the Geneva Convention on Human Rights is too bad for the one who invented the toy “My First Leaf Blower”. You can see on the packaging the words “Try Me”. Yes, in one of those bogus military tribunals, I think.