Recently, while I was in a helpless state, Emergency Contact super-glued me to the couch and pinned my eyeballs open. She then, in revenge for some foul deed I must have committed, ordered Mama Mia through the cable movie thingy.
I should show my hand and admit that I was not a fan of Abba the first time round; but holy fuckin’ tone deaf geriatrics, Batman! What a disaster of a film that is.
It’s a nasty little immoral plot, focusing on a charmless, self-obsessed brat who feels that everyone is there for the simple task of pleasing her. It smelled a bit like opera.
All the leading women, who should know better, employ an acting style I shall now coin as ‘high times require high volume’. Honestly, I haven’t seen so many old hags yelling at each other since last year’s over 80s quidditch grand final.
The island it is filmed on should be one of the stars of the show, but somehow the cinematography failed there as well. You see more alluring shots of the Med in a five minute segment on Getaway.
You can’t relax and let it wash over you either. At any moment, one of the aging stars could break a hip, an arm, or into song. That is extremely nerve wracking with Pierce Brosnan deciding to add his tonsils to the line-up.
What. Was. He. Thinking?
I thought his people were supposed to be naturally musical. I can’t look at him the same way ever again. I have seen the karaoke/Gong Show/Red Faces moment, where all dignity is carefully bundled up and chucked out the nearest window. He’s farted at the dinner table and it will add to the gaping void in my life.
I give it two technicoloured-Bjorns, out of ten.
Some of you will have been aware of another gaping void and been able to put a name to it. Others will have simply been feeling that certain something, akin to an itch in a phantom limb. What’s been keeping you up at night, or adding to the Sunday afternoon depression, has been the absence of a third Underworld film in your lives.
No, really.
Well thankfully, thoughtful film producers have sought to fill that aching chasm. But they have missed a marketing opportunity too, I think.
It should be called, Underworld - I’m Lycan It!
And no, I won't be seeing or reviewing it. I just needed to get that off my chest.
Ahahaahahaa! A sorta-kinda friend of mine that I just kind of keep around because she's so nutso that its entertaining RAVED about Mamma Mia. She bought the soundtrack, the movie, the tshirt, everything. I think that those facts are enough to give me hesitation as to whether I will enjoy it.
ReplyDeleteWhy, you may ask? Well, because she also loved Moulin Rouge and wants to be one of Hefs Girl's Next Door merely because she's got boobs larger than any county fair watermelon.
She also thinks Dane Cook is an amazing actor, and she sleeps with anything that breathes that also has male parts. I love my friend Jenn.
What's her address?
ReplyDeleteWhat are you planning on doing to her, before I consent to bestowing such great knowledge?
ReplyDeleteNot to... with.
ReplyDeleteHush my mouth.
Yeah, she's great to do all sorts of stuff . . . with. Fun stuff. Lol. Well she lives directly north of Satan's Arm Pit, SD, USA. From there, you're on you're own.
ReplyDelete