Off The Wall

It's 2.14 am on a school night, and like a drug crazed presidential candidate with a dead hooker in my hotel room, I'm on the phone to my lawyer.

“I dunno Nicky. I've been able to bail you out of some shockers, but this is a new one on me,” he says, by way of encouragement.

But let me backtrack a bit.

Removable hooks.

These things are brilliant. They are an adhesive hook that has a sticky, two-sided tab with a little flange that sticks out below the hook. This allows you to remove the hook (when Emergency Contact has an aesthetic crisis) without any chunks of your wall coming with it.

In fact, I'm underselling the product. They are so advanced they can have an aesthetic crisis and decide your artwork shouldn't be where it is without human intervention. This is achieved by being manufactured with enough glue on the adhesive pad to make it through a winter, but sudden, warmer, temperature changes will cause them to have a seasonal change of heart about your interior decorating.

We have killed close friends who didn't please us by bedding them down under framed pictures that were suspended by nothing more than removable hooks. (These hooks are advertised as pieces of equipment designed to hang framed pictures from - it's the perfect crime.) Fellow blogger and undeserving victim, Pink Patent Mary Janes, has been killed dead on two separate occasions like this. (She's quite resilient, don't worry.)

So, at 2.11 am, the removable hook just outside the bedroom door decided that the Hong Kong, hand-cut fan with slightly reflective (mirror-like) background is better on the floor in several pieces, rather than on the wall amplifying bathroom window fung-shui. By my estimation, that is three culture's bad luck symbols in one go. Twenty one years bad luck.

My lawyer thinks he can get me off with nine.