The Cashew And Some Of Its Dangers

Anacardium curatellifolium:

The cashew. Although commonly called a "nut" is in fact a type of jellyfish. Its closest land based cousin is the Triffid. Pictured, a cashew sheds the shell of its chrysalis form and begins the treck back into the sea to spawn.

But enough of this hardcore science...

Cashews have always presented a bit of a problem for me. I love them with a pure, intense passion. I’m not normal about them. I once asked for cashews as a birthday present. But they will be the death of me, and not the death of voracious overindulgence that you’re predicting.

A certain supermarket chain sells bags of cashews that have flavours on them. The one that I think is borderline genius, has written on the packaging: “Thai Lime and Chilli Cashews: Deliciously spicy, roasted cashews, flavoured with fragrant kaffir lime and Thai spices.”

I went a bit odd just typing that.

Anyway, they will be the death of me because of the packaging. It’s quite a tough plastic packet with a resealable top. It is slightly narrower than the width of my hand and slightly longer than the length of my fingers. I cannot get to the bottom of the packet. I can already hear you saying, “Pour them out into a bowl, you giant plonker.”

No – you’ve missed the point, they don’t make it home. They’re open before I’ve even ridden the shopping trolley down the disabled ramp, into the car park. I am driving a manual car as the struggle to the bottom of the packet takes place.
So, the other day, desperate to get at the trove of nutty goodness just out of reach at the bottom of the packet, I changed into third gear and took that opportunity to upend the bag towards my mouth. A clump of nuts came out and bonked me on the nose, but worse was the dust and assorted bottom-of-the-packet-uber-flavour that fell into my eyes.
Lets look at the ingredients again:

Nuts? Check.

Salt? Apparently so, yes.

Lime? Indubitably there. Ouch.

Chilli? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck yes.

Safety tip kids, from your Uncle Grey Area. You need your eyes for driving in a competent manner and pouring the contents of a flavoured bag of nuts into them before, or during, a road trip is not going to guarantee happy motoring.