Memo to Emo: That's Not Self Harm. Now This...

People often ask me, "Nick, what's the most embarrassing way you've ever injured yourself?"


I usually tell them to get comfortable, pour themselves a drink and settle in for nice long night's entertainment, because there are three important elements to hurting yourself, and I have mastered them all.

It has to be injurious physically.

It has to be murderously embarrassing.

And it has to be repeatable in polite conversation.

A small sample below.


As a very young teenager, I once fell into a ladies hat stand in David Jones from a good height. My date and I were cutting through DJs on the way to the movies. I oh-so-nonchalantly hitched my bum up on the rolling handrail of the escalator as we were heading for the first floor. Half way up I managed to lose my balance and fell backwards, head first, into the ladies hat stand below, destroying the shelves and display on the way down. It hurt a bit physically, a lot ego-lly. My date was standing at the top of the escalator, trying to pretend not to know me, but also unable to tear her eyes off the scene below.


Once while getting into my car in a really cramped parking spot I almost ripped my own ear off on the door. I managed to get the corner of the door caught in the top fold of my ear, and the door frame was quite sharp.


In my early 20s, when I had long hair, I once accidentally shut a good amount of it into the window of the taxi I was driving. I pulled into the driveway of the family I was about to take to the airport and threw the door open to help them with their bags. Once I had picked myself out of their rosebush, questions were being asked about my sobriety.


Another car-related stupid injury occured last night. I was walking down the driveway in the dark, keys in hand, when I walked through a spider web. Reaching up to my face to sweep the web away, I jammed the car key up my own nose. It hurt too.


I'm just glad I didn't turn the key and accidentally start my own head up.