The Ballad of Ham

I became fascinated with the story of Ham and Enos when my dear mate Gooby told me about them. They were two chimps involved in the Mercury space program. I don't think they volunteered, I think they kind of got roped in, but they were troopers both of them.

The point of the program was to find out how humans would cope with doing things in space, particularly if there was any decrease in acuity. So Ham and Enos were trained to do simple tasks, blasted into orbit and asked to do them again.

It is rumoured that Enos had a particularly tough time in space, because they accidentally wired his probe up in reverse and he was punished with an electrical zap, every time he did something right. He kept on truckin' though.

If you look at the black and white photos from the Mercury project, there is humour, along with a certain heartbreaking naiveté. I find them deeply moving.

Ham's story is cuter than Enos's, and is the one in the doggerel below. It should be noted that when the capsule returned, he had worked himself free of his harness, so when they cracked the door, he shot past the handlers and fucked off into the rafters of NASA's hangars. When they got him down to take him out to meet the press, the handlers had to walk him past the capsule. Ham thought they were going to stuff him back into 'the bad place', so he tore the ass off one of the handlers and fucked off back into the rafters. I love his style.

In the cutest but un-verified part of the story, both Enos and Ham are buried at the Arlington Cemetery. That's the impressive military one with all of the identical, white headstones.

As a side note, when the film Alien was released, it's promotional line was "In space, no-one can hear you scream."

I wrote this actually as a gift to Gooby on his birthday because we had both giggled so much about it at the time of his telling - I reproduce it here without his permission.

Oh, and Washo and Coco really did learn American Sign Language and are reputedly never offered after dinner speaking engagements..

The Ballad of Ham

A monkey called Ham, a young chimpanzee,
Got sent into space with one arm free.
His masters weren’t happy, when home he returned
As every good photo had to burned.

Humans were going to the moon it seemed
When Democrat Presidents, had money and dreams.
White Man would stand on the moon and say,
Those dirty pinko Russkies aren’t coming this way.

But testing space ships on whities aint done.
Pesky new laws said the blacks were no fun
So down the chain to some fuzzies from trees
The scientists thought they could test them with ease.

So Washo and Coco were interviewed twice
They said flying in space sounded quite nice
But school was too hectic, there was no time to burn,
With new sign language signals that they had to learn.

Dolphins were seen as the next on the list,
But you can’t hold a joystick when you can’t make a fist.
Dogs had been, and said it was cool
But the capsules had to be emptied from all of the drool.

Up the back of the class a furry hand hits the air,
But the scientists know that it wouldn’t be fair
On the public or program to give this one form
As his principle hobby is burping the worm.

He’s a nice little fellow they all heartily agree
A bit of a booboo taking him out of his tree
We’d all cop it rough, we’d all get no thanks
If he makes it to space and then sits there and wanks.

But Ham’s a changed chimp, his trainer insists
He can do a lot more than just shaking his fists
He’s not too hairy as far as chimps go
So attaching the sensors won’t be too slow

So against better judgment, against all in the know
Ham gets the green light, he’s going to go
Into black space to see what can be found
Just as long as his arms are properly bound.

The day of the launch finally arrives
With leaders and astronauts and some of their wives
All gathered around straining to see
The hero of the hour, the young chimpanzee.

Ham’s in good form, he likes a good crowd
The cheering and clapping cannot be too loud
He waves and smiles his best toothy grin
His trainer reminds him not to commit sin.

Ham nods and promises, with a cross of his heart
He’s a proper team player and he knows his part
He’ll pilot his spaceship and try not to crash
And resist the urge to have a quick thrash.

But launches and space flight are not like they look
You can’t watch TV or read a good book
You sit and you sit, and your mind can go a bit blank
It’s not too long before you may think of a wank.

The launch boys on the pad had all been told
That the furry little arms could grab a firm hold
Of passing bits and pieces that took Ham’s fancy
And his overwhelming desire to act a bit pantsy.

But Ham had practiced his winning ways
He’d perfected his act over hours and days
To look sweet and innocent, to do no harm
And maybe they’ll overlook one furry arm.

Ham makes it to space and starts having a wank
The public wonders why their screens have gone blank
Mission Control walks around with straws in his hands
Choosing who’ll do the cleaning when the capsule lands.

And as Mission Control starts to plan his attack
A question arrives in his mind, at the back
It starts to fester and really to niggle
In space is it possible to hear a chimp giggle?