My Left Out Foot

It’s winter in Oz, and that means there’s a lot of football on telly. I don’t like football - but it has given me greater self awareness.

Illustrating our cultural depth and foundations, Australia supports more professional football than any other country. Rugby League and Union, (with another dozen variations for the different numbers of players on a team). Football (once called soccer), and the local game Aussie Rules.

Unfortunately I’m unable to enjoy any of them. I was born without the Chase-the-Inflated-Leather-Sack gene.

It has been pointed out to me that this is unmanly and un-Australian, but I’m hetero, and I’m a good build to play some sort of footy. I’m not a total spazzimodo. I’ve played and trained in other sports where the requisite qualities of bone-headedness and lack of fear are admired. (Think combat sports.)

So it’s not a fear thing. I used to put it down to just being a boredom thing, but I have come up with the major contributing personality flaw. It’s a lazy thing.

I am bone-deep lazy. It doesn’t mean I don’t like to do stuff, I just don’t like doing it for too long, stupidly, or once it’s boring. I liked the Tale of the Man Who Was Too Lazy to Fail as a kid and took it to heart. I revere "Work smarter, not harder". It's affordable elegance.

To illustrate: I used to own a telly that didn’t have a remote control. I could change channels and volume through the video, but I had to get out of bed to turn it off because it was across the room, along with its power-point. No good for the lazy in summer, hopeless in winter (I did maintain an odd one sided tan for a while from sleeping with it on. I told my mother it was a driving thing). So I bought two extension cords, ran one from the power-point up next to my bed, and the other back to the telly, so the connection was resting on my bedside table. When it came time for lights out, I just unplugged the telly; remotely.

That’s one of my proudest moments, so how is footy ever going to appeal to the genetically lazy? I just can’t admire it.

To illustrate:

1) Rugby - the players have to run ‘that way’ but they’re not allowed to throw the ball in the direction of travel. Wha?. Rugby players are understandably confused about what they should be doing. When they score, it is called a “Try”, not a “Well Done”.

2) Aussie rules – where to start - but I’ll suggest that it is both too hard and too easy to score, if it takes that many of you. Ask your average Aussie how many people there are on the field at a game, and the answer will vary between 34 and 87. In this case, there is too much of a “try”, not enough "Well Done". Everything gets awarded. Behinds, In Fronts, Balls Ups.

3) Soccer - My god man, pick the ball up. Maybe those other doe-eyed actresses will stop trying to kick you in the shins, if you show that you’re a proper primate.

4) Cricket - The players don’t work too hard. The batting team only has to present 18% of the manpower at any one time. Those in the field get to do a good deal of standing around chewing fresh grass stems, and the bowlers only work part time.

Don’t get me wrong, Emergency Contact is happy that I’m not into watching that much sport. She and I just wish that there was more on telly for us to choose from during the winter months.