What the Hell is Going on up There?

There are animals in my roof. I can hear them singing old Blancmange songs (livin’ on the ceiling, no more room down there, things fall into place…). Ok that last bit isn’t true. They sing UB40 (there’s a rat in my kitchen what I’m a gonna do?) They wish they could live in my kitchen.

Annnnnyyyyyyhoooooo, ‘The Rat Man’ came around and baited and then said that they will go away to die because “when their guts start to burn they go for their water source.” Emergency Contact asked if it was possums or rats.

“Ah luv, I’ve seen their faces, and it’s definitely rats.” EC later realised that he hadn’t been talking about seeing them face to face, it was just how he pronounced faeces.

She then asked how they were getting in.

“Ah luv, naycha. In all my years of dealing with naycha… it’ll always find a way ‘round ya.”

Night before last, if they were ‘going for their water source’, it was because they were thirsty from the vigorous game of football they were playing, or performing in little hobnail boots like some furry rodent Stomp dance troupe. Whatever it was, it wasn’t ‘going away to die’.

I was sorely tempted to poke my head up through the manhole, but I know how that would end.

I’ll refresh your memory of that scene from Aliens in case you don’t remember.

Our heroes have sealed themselves into a room to escape the menace and are backing away from the door and using their portable movement detectors to see how close the monsters are. As Hudson is counting down the range out loud, the tension grows. Then from Ripley or Hicks (I can’t remember), “It can’t be, that’s inside the room!”

“I’m readin’ it right!” yells Hudson and, as one, they turn their faces to the ceiling. Then Hicks does the second silliest thing you can do in a horror movie setting. He gets on a table and pushes a ceiling panel to one side to poke his little unprotected head up through the hole. The results are predictable. A thousand scrabbling, slobbering vicious aliens come running at his head and he survives by falling backwards out of the hole and shooting wildly into the air. Thus caving in the roof and letting all the aliens into the room.

That would happen if I stuck my head up through the roof to look at the rat dance troupe.