Christ! Here He Comes Again

If he were to turn up for a Second Coming, I don’t think I would recognise Jesus.

I should be polite and mention that there are two potential plot spoilers following here.

First: The Second Coming - never going to happen.

Second: Dexter - episodes five and six of series one. If you’re watching it on free-to-air in Australia, they’ve already aired, so read on. If you’re watching them at your own pace though, because you’ve given up on the bastard free-to-air broadcasters and haven’t got to these episodes yet… turn away.

To the problem of recognising the Baby Cheeses if he returned.

Dexter is about a serial killer who murders other serial killers.

In the episodes in question, Dexter perforates some evil-doers because they were holding Cuban refugees in a lock-up. They intended to drown the refugees when the inflated smuggling prices weren’t met. Dexter does the right thing as he leaves the sauce spattered scene, and sets the new Americans free. A kid, locked in the boot of a car nearby, witnesses all of this.

Dexter is a forensic scientist attached to the police department, and finds out later that there is a witness. He spends a very uneasy couple of days as the kid is coaxed into giving the police artist a description.

The kid is exhausted and only gives a small amount of a description before dropping off to sleep. Our Dex sneaks a look at the picture in progress, and there is no doubt that it is his own eyes taking shape on the sketch pad.

Later, certain that he is going to be uncovered in front of all his colleagues in the police station, the fully finished portrait is revealed, only for us to giggle in relief. The confused Cuban kid has described Jesus, with Dexter’s eyes.

We all get the point about the kid being a bit delusional and mistaking the refugees' saviour. We can add a bit of habitualised religious thinking and blend it with post traumatic stress and you've got your own... personal... Jesus (Do it like Depeche Mode, it's more fun that way).

But…

There can be no mistake that the picture is of Jesus. But it has Dexter’s eyes, so why is it Jesus?

When I come to think of it, I have seen countless representations of JC and really, I couldn’t tell you what he is supposed to look like - other than shoulder length hair, beard, and often a faint glow behind the head. That’s not going to wash in a police line-up, or deliver a particularly helpful identikit portrait.

If he returns and decides to update his look (nice little brushed forward emo number. No beard) he will pass unnoticed. (Probably a good thing. Saves him getting nailed.) For all we know he’s been and gone and couldn’t get anyone to believe him.

I’m not the only one fuzzy on what he should look like. The following is a true story and occurs on an international flight.

To pass time on international flights, I go about things really slowly.

Would I like a cup of tea? Maybe yes. I’ll think about it for a bit, then have one in half an hour.

In this case, the hour was going to be passed by watching someone struggle with the door of the toilet I was sitting opposite. They had pushed and pushed, made all the wrong moves, and got the bottom of the door off its runner and made things worse for themselves. I gave it a few minutes, and when the struggling and banging had the real look of panic about it, I went over and pushed the door on the bit that needed folding. It popped open deceptively easily. Sort of like I 'had the touch’.

The Spanish speaking woman on the inside collapsed to her knees, genuflected and said several things including thanks, praise and Jesus.

During the rest of the flight, she would not stop looking at me, genuflecting and giving thanks. There were many references to lords and saviours. She walked past my seat and touched my elbow a number of times. In a final embarrassment, she asked me to bless her as we left the plane.

I’m certain her high altitude confusion was worsened by the fact that I had long hair and a two week growth at the time. The lights in aeroplane toilets turn off when the door opens, so I would’ve had the light behind me too when I had magically touched the door.

Here was a devout Catholic woman who was confused about what her Lord and Saviour should look like. I’m an atheist, what chance do I have of correctly identifying him?

He's going to have a bugger of a time.