Top Gear 'Straya

Top Gear Australia debuted last night and I have some observations to share.

Someone’s mother is always quoted as saying, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

My mother always said, “Are you growing a beard, love?”

Neither of those deliver a Grey Area piece though.

TGA looks the part. Tints, jump cuts, split screen moments and all the techniques that make the original so pretty are all there.

They had a nice selection of things to look at, sort of. If you cared about Soft-Roaders (the hairdressing younger brother of the Off-Roader) you were going to be well pleased. A strangely precise section of the car market to go and appeal to on your first show, but what the hey.

When they did show me something less run-of-the-mill, it lacked any detail that adds colour and meaning to all the close up shots of polished metal going by. I understand that they want to go softly on the rev-head stuff so as not to alienate the audience at launch. But I would guess that the original audience (the guys who watched, whether the girlfriend was in the room or not) are not going to hang around for that. The girls are not going to be interested enough to stay without presenters that are something more than guys who can drive - more on that shortly.

Top Gear UK did its own thing, and we came to it. TGA runs the risk of trying to please too many of the people and thereby pleasing none. Don’t pass over all the gritty stuff. I wanted to see a two clutch gearbox cut-away model, and I wanted it introduced by a man who wasn’t embarrassed about being able to pronounce the German word for it… and I am the original target market.

The guest was a local boy who called himself a wog, and then lived up to a few of the stereotypes (… coupla stolen cars moit!?) but he was as nervous as the new hosts and really, he just should’ve been more likeable. EC has always had a bit of a soft spot for the big lug, but she’s been put dead off.

OK, I am a snob. A really bad snob. I do not care what most of the local “talent” in the acting industry think about anything. I usually avoid a piece of drama if it says “Homegrown” or “Worldwide Premiere”. But I was usually half interested in the guests the original show had – let’s hope that TGA goes to more interesting professions than just actors.

If we called acting what it was - pretending. And rehearsals what they are -practising. We’d take it all a lot less seriously.

“I’m off to practise pretending dear. Hope I get a really important gold statue for it!” puts it in perspective, I think.

Back to being a snob and thinking about our hosts. Charlie Cox is what? Glen Wheatley’s spare-parts clone, accidentally animated from his slime tank to yell at us in a broad Australian accent? I wound the contrast knob on the telly to ‘more charming’ in an attempt to enjoy him a bit more and he totally disappeared from the screen.

He’s alright though, when placed in context. Charlie Cox in conversation with one of his other co-hosts, Steve Pizzati, is James Earl Jones interviewing Jeanie Little. To listen to Steve is to apply a cheese grater to the side of your head.

I know we are supposed to have left the cultural cringe behind and that we should embrace the natural Australian cadences and timbre – but holy fucking shit, Bat-Yobbo, does it have to curdle milk? I actually had to turn the telly down to stop the neighbour's dogs from baying in return.

I understand that Steve can really drive. I hope so. While he does it, can we just watch from outside the car?

Now to the guy who will be king. Warren Brown is going to be just fine. He is really likeable, relaxed, has a brain in his head and doesn’t sound like he’s just made a break from Pentridge. (In fact he made the only memorable joke of the night. After turning off the cataclysmically noisy Lambo’s power plant, he said, “Hear that? The silence of the Lamborghinis.")

I tuned into Top Gear UK for a few reasons. 20% was that I liked to see some proper Euro Auto Porn. 20% for James May’s dignified comedy (“I just don’t want the others to mock me.”). 30% for the three guy’s interaction and 43% to hear another set of superlative similes from Clarkson.

None of that was in evidence in TGA. The relationships are not real yet and we can’t care about things that have come into being quite so artificially. I am worried that they haven’t played on the native Australian laconic attitude to build steam with us. They haven't lost me though, I will give it another go.

If you are going to complain about my maths in why I used to tune into Top Gear UK – don’t. I do actually like it that much.