Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you - a deadly future.
What you see here is something that is nearly the size of a Vespa. It is nearly the weight of a Vespa, and goes nearly as fast as a Vespa.
Let's face it, it looks like one of the new Vespas or Lambrettas that you always see the terminally cool in the Fourth Arrondissement tooling around on. (Squinting, to keep some of the cigarette ash out of their eyes.)
It is, as you can see by the surrounds, for sale in my local hardware store. It is electric and because of that, the ad on it proudly proclaims you don't need registration or a licence.
Brilliant.
I need to nip this in the bud. Right here, right now.
Addle-headed young greenies are going to look at that scooter and think, "Yes! There's my answer! I've always been a bit of an uncoordinated thing, and the RTA keep knocking me back on my licence, but I don't need one for this... besides it's my duty. Look! It's electric. It's good for the environment!"
This is only a semi-hypothetical situation. I actually know people who fulfil all the criteria it takes to think that last paragraph.
First. You don’t have a licence for a reason. Driving or riding something that can go faster than you can peddle is a privilege not a right.
Second. You have rego on fast moving heavy bits of metal, being steered by twits, for a reason. When you inevitably knock someone down and ruin their life, the only thing that is going to make any part of the situation tolerable is that there will be some state-backed insurance to help out.
Thirdly. You will, inevitably, knock someone down. The thing will be terrifying to ride on the road. The addle-heads will then think to themselves, “Hey wait a minute, if I don’t need a licence or rego… I can ride it on the footpath or bike track.” Add to this the fact that it will be silent as it approaches people from behind at 30km/h. Hey presto, street pizza!
Fourth and maybe finally. It is electric; sure. Where does that come from though? Follow that power cord all the way to the wall, and behind it you will not find rodents in a wheel, running for their lives just to charge up your scooter.
(While I’m at it, the next person who says, “… the new power station uses clean coal technology,” should be struck by lightning, hacked into small bits and buried in an unmarked grave.) Ahem…
I applaud the search for the new transport. Whilst I love cars to the depth of my being, I also realise what an unmitigated disaster the motorcar has been for this planet.
But the answer my friend, is not down at Mitre 10, the answer’s not down at Mitre 10. (You know how to sing it. It’s more fun that way.)
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