Oh Limp Dicks

We, as a sporting nation, have lost our sense of fun and feel for the future.

Would a winged keel be shouted down now? Would a solid wheeled sprint bike get laughed out of court? Actually I don't know. But...

I’ve been listening to people carrying on about the last Olympics. I’ve been hearing a lot of “It’s an outrage!” (say it like Tony Harrison from The Mighty Boosh, it’s more fun that way.)

I think that the Chinese set an interesting precedent for the Olympics, and all the whinging that we're hearing is just a bunch of reactionaries who’ve got all caught up with “tradition” and fusty old ideas about “level playing fields”. They should be roundly ignored.

The obvious future of the games are drug and CGI enhancements.

Allow doping. I mean all sorts. EPO and ‘roids, caffeine and hormones; the lot. Blood storing and red-cell manipulation. Thinly disguised man-ladies in one-piece cosies, really dropping the times and a goolie in the pool. Let’s really see, when we say “higher, faster, stronger”, if we can’t actually take into account all that science can offer.

We allow sports psychologists to fiddle with the athlete's mind. We get people to insert Thorpy and his creed into wind and water tunnels and sew them into suits designed by intergalactic sharks. Their movements have been analysed to such a degree that natural actions are trained out of top-flight athletes. They go back to running and swimming school. With all of this good basic science, why is chemistry banned?

And when I say allow all doping… I mean all.

If a snowboarder reckons he can mix it with the world's best whilst ripped off his tits - Go for it! I wanna see a guy in the half-pipe with a slice of pizza hanging out of his head. It would dispense with that silly, invasive, expensive, inaccurate testing regime.

The games are supposed to be about how well a country can do – let’s make it an all inclusive effort. CSIRO should be out the front with the flag in one hand and a hypo in the other. What are a few pimples on your back, uncontrollable rage, and a beard between girlfriends?

As for the other ‘so called’ scandals of the games.

Fact: The girl singing was ugly. We still heard her sing. Fact: The pretty girl got a crack at the camera and world is aware she can’t hold a tune. One knows she’s ugly, one knows she’s talentless. Thus nature balances itself. They’ve still got it made in the shade – they are girls - in China. They have 300,000 men between them to choose from. They are never going home alone if they don’t want to.

And what's with all the faux outrage over faked fireworks, CGI improvement of what was happening on the ground, and weather manipulation by the Chinese to make everything look better than it was? It’s only polite. You tidy up and sweep things under the carpet before the neighbours come around.

Actually, they didn’t go far enough. Let’s really think this through.

Why truck in noisy, dangerous, germy volunteers when the crowds fail to turn up because they are scared of the security?

In the future, we won’t need stands and stadia. Just CG the whole lot in. It will be less disruptive and cheaper for the host nation. None of the rest of us were going to be there anyway. They could even sell rights to the individual country's broadcasters, to CG in more of the crowds they want to see. Every crowd’s a home crowd. Those with a love of the underdog could even request an entirely hostile crowd!

I don’t think this is dodging the truth. The minute that we get glasses that pick up the 3D internet and layer it over the reality that we’re walking through, we are going to demand these everyday enhancements anyway.

Why not perfect the technology that will make a Chinese woman gymnast appear to be a woman, now?