There’s an acquaintance I bump into semi-regularly that has a slightly irritating way of making conversation. They believe the best way to engage someone is to ask them to make a list.
“What’s your favourite…? Who’s your top ten…?” It drives Emergency Contact spare and when confronted with it, the dirty stopout usually treats it as an excuse to find a new glass of wine or chase someone’s cat. I find the style of interrogation a strange way to engage anyone over the age of 16, but treat it as an excuse to talk about myself and that’s always fascinating.
My serious objection only comes later. I become consumed. I find myself thinking, “Right, if Thingo asks me what my top ten books of 2010 are, I’m going to take the Mighty Boosh approach. “The Charley children’s books, of course: Charley Takes a Trip. Charley Goes to the Shops and Forgets His Change Purse. Charley Ponders the Existential Nature of Things. Charley Eats a Banana, Wha’ you haven’t read all the Charlie books?”
Not content with this, I find myself thinking of riposte lists: Favourite reptiles under five kilos that can eat cheese. Top six post-match interviews with Rugby League players. Best lingering disease.
I have to be careful, though. It’ll backfire if I don’t have contenders for the lists I’m creating so I’m working on them backwards. I start with the things I like and try and work out what list they should go into. Genius.
For instance, I heard an old Elbow song recently with a lyric I have always loved.
“Don’t play Coltrane, you will sleep at the wheel.”
I love it because there’s always emotional advice in pop music like, “Leave him alone ‘cause the boy’s bad news” and “Hit me baby one more time” but good, solid, workaday advice is rare. That Elbow lyric won’t go in the Top 11 Lyrics of All Time list. No, it will go in the Best Advice Given to Cab Drivers in Melody list. Number two on that list will be George Michael’s Flawless. “You’ve got to go to the city. You’ve got to reach the other side.”
Once you start thinking like this, it’s addictive. Thingo’s in trouble the next time I see them. “Hold the line” is timeless trout fishing advice from Toto. The unemployed could do worse than listen to BTO. “Get a second-hand guitar; chances are you’ll go far.” (They do add the proviso that you have to fall in with the right bunch of fellows, though.) But, my number-one position holder for Great Abseiling Advice in Popular Music From the Last Thirty Years list, comes from Grand Master Flash and the Furious Five.
Don't say I never give you anything...Without a doubt, the #1 post match interview with Rugby league players was after an early 90's State of Origin match & was conducted by ex cronulla second rower (PIG) Gavin Miller. To speak like Gavin you have to glue your tongue to the roof of your mouth and project through the nose. His first victom was Alfie Langer, who uses the same method to comunicate aurilly(except it's an octave higher). The interview went something like this.
ReplyDeleteGavin:- Hmph umph emph domph?
Alfie:-Imph imph squeak imph squeak.
This went on for a time before Gavin moved on to Slammin Sam Bacho. Sam really looks like a Rugby League front rower & it's not just because he's got a size 20 face on a size 14 scull. Now whatever Gavin asked him must have been a little complex for Slammin' Sam because he pondered the question before replying..."Mph mph grrf". It only took Sam a couple of seconds to realize he still had his mouthgaurd in. With an embarressed look on his face he pulls out the mouthgaurd and exclames"Oh shit"! Knowing he's made a gaff on live telly he lets go with a "Ah FUCK". He freezes like a bunny in the headlights, pulls off his best shit-eating grin before very slowly replacing his mouthgaurd. I don't know what happened next (probably an ad)as I weas rolling on the floor having one of the best gut laughs I think I've ever had.