Slurry Hills in Oz Fashion Week

Helped Partner with her market stall today. I’ve learnt a lot.

Arse crack is the new must-have accessory. I know this is an oft visited topic in the popular press when oldies and conservative commentators are complaining about yoof, but seriously kids, put your bums away. I wasn’t even enjoying 20 something women’s bums, and that’s saying a mouthful.

We were swamped in greasy, stupid, badly tattooed, smoking, arse flashing twits who find it mandatory to talk loudly about… about… Oh… my… god… like…nothing. The sheer vacuity on display along with crack was gob smacking.

So now it’s my turn to say something obvious, and probably said a lot before, (I dunno, haven’t seen it, probably everywhere.).

Fashion is no good if it doesn’t flatter.

Current trends have hit a stupid new low. You might as well reintroduce foot-binding into the mix, what with the ease you can get around town when your belt is somewhere below your scrotum. The overwhelming fashionable look for both sexes in Surrey Hills, Saturday the 3^rd, 2008 is:

Shoes: Flat, insubstantial, coloured lace ups that make your feet look small and slightly flat footed. More on this Later.

• Pants: Stove pipe jeans that have the back pockets at mid-back-of-the-thigh height. This achieves several things. It makes your legs look short. It makes your little pot belly stick out because you are so rock and roll, you’ve never exercised in your spoilt little life. The previously mentioned small shoes manage to heighten the size of your squished and widened arse, and every time you move, more crack.
• Underwear: The undies, important now because they are not technically under anything. They are now ovies and they are grey and ugly.
• Shirt: The black T-Shirt will have RVCA on it. Never forget, you are an individual like everybody else.
• Not certain how your greasy hair is? Try a bad hat. The first sign of having a screw loose is picking out some useless bit of headwear and bunging it on. I used to live near a loony bin and the one constant in all the madness was that when you lose the plot, find yourself a hat.
• Body art: Flesh tunnels are cool. I think your kids are going to just love the idea that when they can’t find a swing, they can sit in your earlobe. Hey girls, get more tattoos on your necks, not only does it flatter the feminine line, it makes finding employment a snap.
• Hair: Brush it forward and don’t wash whatever you do. If not, you’ve gone the other way. The mullet is reviled for a reason.

The human race is doomed. There is no way these people are breeding. They are too ugly to root.